just believe me... i know these things

Erica, the "Writer-Downer"

2010-01-19T16:25:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure if you know this, but I am a "writer-downer". I know this because I said this in a recent interview, so it must be true. Yes, hello, again my name is Erica, I pay attention to detail. I can prove it because I am a "writer-downer". And then I threw myself down the stairs and continued to ram my heel in my head and found another flight of stairs to throw myself down. I got the job. The End.

How to Tip Drill (not the BET Uncut kind)

2009-10-29T14:46:00.000-05:00

This weekend I saw an ex girlfriend who stirred the pot o' beef again. This old bitch owes me $70 from New Year's, two years ago.She's one of those friends whose vocab often consisted of, "Ooh I gotta stop at the ATM", or "Since you brought the Grey Goose, I'll get you a drink at the club." The one that makes me the most furious is the 'helpless' response of, "I don't have any cash on me." What the hell is with grown ass adults NOT having cash on them? What if there's an emergency?! What if since I muthafuckin DROVE, I DON'T think I should pay for parking?I HATE when I get to the pay booth in the parking lot and am offered nothing..The most ridiculous part is often these leeches think they're the HOTTEST thing since habaneros. If you have diamond studs in your ears but just have a TCF card that your're unwilling to withdraw at a Wells Fargo machine, kick rocks. Don't even get me started on tipping at the bar. If you don't have the money to tip SOMETHING to your bartender, don't order a drink. Seriously. The person dealing with your drunk ass is prolly getting minimum wage and his/her mortgage is banking on your tip.When folks wanna be like, "Well I didn't get exceptional service", understand that it isn't just about courtesy...its about MAKING it. I make a base pay as a hairstylist and shouldn't hafta offer fellatio to get a tip. You are in my chair for a certain amount of time, and if I remember you didn't tip last time-expect a rushed service with a couple extra slashes out of my spite. Have respect for those in the service industry, and quit taking advantage of your nice friends. I'm done with it.

Married Men (Part I)

2009-09-30T23:01:00.006-05:00

I cut hair...mostly men's hair. A couple months ago, a hot guy by the name of "Mike" sat in my chair, and bit his lip at our reflection in the mirror. He made a comment about the book I was reading and we had a GREAT convo about sashimi, Spain, and his work. Mike and I were kind of guffawing, and it took me 26 minutes to cut his faceted style. He was so attractive in that guy next door way, but charmed me like a veteran. I have a few microlittleteeny questions I ask when wondering if a customer is single, "So do you have any kids getting ready for school?" Mike looked me in the mirror, slowly blinked, "Yea....two." Damn...

For me, the wall goes up and unlike Berlin, won't come down. I would not, nor HAVE not entertained the idea of a wedded man. It's an instinctive thing, where I snap and go, "Aw shucks" like Michelle on Full House. I would freak the f out if some broad, who was touching my husband's head, had the nerve to hit on him-while knowing damn well. So Mike, aware that he totally unplugged the turntables on THAT delightful basement party, left with hair 3/4 of an inch shorter, tipped me 50%, and gave me a tightlipped smile (I raised my eyebrows in a response that said, "No chance dude".)

On a typical work day, I was cutting a 4 year old's hair, trying to convince him that pickles and marshmallows are great on pizza. (Seeing horrified expressions on kids' faces NEVER gets old for me.) Mike walked in, and I got nervous thinking, I had just SEEN this guy-did I mess his neckline up? Did I overcharge him? Hold up-Was he checking me out?! After traumatizing the little boy who loved pepperoni, Chris walked over to my chair, "I called to make sure you'd be here. How have you been? I bought that book you had, I've got a quarter left of it to finish." Understand that this book is OLD, it is NOT a bestseller, and that it's not THAT frickin good. Totally weirded out, I said, "Oh-you actually bought it on Ebay? Yeaaa....so you were here like only 3 wks ago, which means I need to just take like a quarter off the top, 3 on the sides again?" He turned away from the mirror, looked me in the face and said, "Do what you did last time (dimple dimple), it was perfect." Man, he was kinda creepy, but kinda good....

With a stern look on my face, I asked, "Does your son have hair as thick as yours?" Undiscouraged this time, "Nah-his hair's like his mom's, blonde and really fine. YOU have pretty thick hair, huh? I really like how it's all wet and curly this time..." ("This ol cocker spaniel swag? Mike, you so crazy!...I mean: AW SHUCKS like MichellefromFullHouse-shit!)A few fake snips here, some extra combing there, insert some "SNAP-OUT-OF-IT" moments, and we were done. He pulled on me what Bradley Cooper's fine ass pulled on Scarlett Johannsen in "He's Just Not that Into You". Mike's charm had me CURIOUS.

I pulled his name up in the computer, and before I cut his hair, for the last 2 years, Mike had been getting his haircut every 6 weeks like clockwork-WHICH WAS HALF THE TIME HE WAITED WITH ME. Hair doesn't all of a sudden grow faster! Oh God, this father of two KIDS was totally out of line, and I REFUSED to be Scarlett in the closet! Right?! Right....it's been three weeks since and I'm wary whenever that front door opens...but I've always got lip gloss on.

I'm 27 years old.

2009-09-24T16:32:00.003-05:00

The week of my 25th birthday, I cried. Every. Day. My mother was married at a quarter of a century, and at the time I felt so far behind...At that age, my mom joined my dad in a new country which she had no idea about. They had 2 pans, a mattress, and each other. I felt that I could never be brave or motivated enough to do such a thing.

At 26 I was fresh out of a relationship, in beauty school, and had gained some definite poundage in the waist. Again I was so obsessed correlating relationships, with success and happiness. Recently everyone in the world (at least on Facebook) is getting engaged or has 42 albums full of shiny weddings. My friends and family would warn each other with texts of, "God, can you guess who ELSE found the love of their frickin life?". "Ugh that bitch doesn't deserve HAPPINESS."

I woke up at 27, and felt NEW. I felt like I have one chance to make this round worth it. I'm not that big into destiny, or optimism for that matter, but I actually have FAITH that what is MEANT to be will happen some day. If I'm meant to become a Golden Girl with my sister, who talks about her 4 labradoodles, and eats Goulash everyday, so be it. If I marry a hottie, talk about breast pumps, and buy Happy Meals cuz I'm too lazy, so be it. Now I could USE somebody (somebodaaaaayyy-someonelikeuuuuuuuuuu), but I don't have that NEED for anybody. I feel fresh as a daisy...love me or love me not! I will put myself out there this year, take risks, do right by my environment, and take risks.

I sincerely don't REMEMBER feeling calm about my situation. It's kinda fabulous.

Top 5 Fall Style Points as I type in my jammies...at 2PM...on my birthday...jeesh.

2009-09-23T14:07:00.002-05:00

KATE MOSS & RHIANNA: There is SO much to be said about NOT coordinating everything. How effortless and chic is Kate Moss? She's the muse for so many because she is so forward, and never looks like she spent over 15 min getting ready. Matching everylittlething is dated. With age Moss gets more and more simple. Rhianna is quite different from the latter queen, but can inspire in a totally different way. She pairs punk with lace...was the first to wear the gladiator heels, and can NOT be boxed in. Variety can be enjoyed in your closet, as well as your KFC bucket.

BASICS: I recently bought a pack of Hanes Men's T-shirts, and have been wearing them every day. This may be derived from my uniform clad childhood, but I love how simple and bright my face looks with white cotton. The v-neck somehow makes me look thinner, and seriously-men glance when you look confident in something loose. Someone at Macy's asked me if the shirt was JAMES PERSE!!!!! (MUA- AH AH AH AH AHH evil laugh) Leggings are great for yet another season (phew!), as well as cardigans-which I need to get my hands on. Classics will never fail you as long as you dress them to the SEASON!

BLUSH & LIPSTICK: Cheeks were tawny and contoured at Fashion Week. If you are not wearing bronzer or blush everyday, DO IT! Elizabeth Hurley insists that blush is the cosmetic she can't live without-if she's not a babe, I dunno who is! It makes you look like you LOVE your life. Thank heavens, lipstick is BACK! Wines, Reds, and cool Pinks are all the rage...but understand they must be MATTE. Anything else is garish and makes you look like a hooker. Blush can be worn without lipstick, however lipstick MUST be worn with a blush/bronzer. Starkness is so Shannen Doherty circa 90210. If using a lipliner, for the love of Gucci, please use a nude lipliner, or Outline and FILL IN with the pencil. There is nothing tackier than seeing a line around the mouth by 11:30! Nude glosses are still in and are the only thing to be paired with the smokey eye. (I wish my last name was Kardashian)

HAIR: Texture-Simple updos-Hairspray! Oh My! Try getting your hair razored the next time you get a trim. Ask for the stylist to thin out the bottom 1/3 length of your hair-it'll give you the ends that you see on great hair. Get bangs! Try short layers! Experiment! I sucked it up and have bronze and blonde streaks, and I'm SO glad I did it! Use DRY hairspray for EVERYTHING-esp updos. It allows you to build and build without getting drippy or crunchy-I love Air Control by Aveda.

VALUE OPINIONS: I listen when my little sister takes a head to toe look at me, and says, "Hanesy, you can not wear that". Despite my initial hurt outcries/defenses, I believe one must always heed the advice of those younger, BECAUSE they are younger. They are ahead of you and I when it comes to style. In general: they are blunt, realize how old you are, and are vain enough to not want to be seen with one so out of touch. This is NOT to be confused with wearing clothes that you are too old for. Wet Seal and Aeropostale are meant for tweens-look at how old the models are in the ads. While in the que, if those in front AND behind you, are talking about Homecoming-drop the hangers and RUN! For instance my celeb style obsession is Joy Bryant. She's my age, and looks like herself in whatever she wears-AND is styled by Rachel Zoe. In other words-EVERYONE can use a second opinion every now and then, despite your own diagnosis.

Indian Rockstars

2009-09-23T13:00:00.002-05:00

This commercial CRACKS me up in so many ways. This man looks like he could be my uncle, from the parted hair, to the mooooosetache. It's been for how long that Indians have been making other executives look great?! I love how the stereotype is made fun of, even the term "rockstar". It's "simbly vunderful". Talk smack about how we own Quick E-Marts all you want, but the truth is 1 out of 4 doctors in America, is Indian....the joke isn't so funny when you're lying on a stretcher is it? FYI-my people are raining on you hoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqLPHrCQr2I

Don't make me get technical with the Coach...

2009-09-23T11:28:00.004-05:00

This is going to get me in some boiling water, but honey, call me chamomile! I'm ready to steep!

WHY, oh WHY the hell do you have that FUGLY Coach purse? Do you realize that Coach was created for the resort visiting retiree in her 50's? This is why our MOTHERS want them. WHO decided that monogram was chic? What is interesting about these patterns, and do they really go with everything? Be real, you want one because the bitch higher than you, had one.

If you want a Chanel purse but dress in blingy colors, and enjoy rhinestones, you should saw a phalange off. Chanel is created for those who wear all black everything, black cars, black cards, all black everything (HOV!)...and those who wear diamonds and pearls (Prince Rogers Nelson!). Think Audrey Hepburn or Anne Hathaway. SIMPLE. COVERED. CLASSIC.

If you have a Louis Vuitton wristlet, but don't know the impact of Marc Jacobs on footwear, jump into ongoing traffic. Louis is about fantasy and rarely can a person pull it off. Rhianna. Kerry Washington. Think PARIS. ALIENS. FLUSHED CHEEKS. What I'm trying to understand, is why YOU would want something that you have NO IDEA ABOUT? Look deep inside yourself and ask why a handbag makes you feel higher on the food chain.

Finally. If you MATCH your brown Coach purse, to your brown knee high boots (gag), to your Coach belt, to your coffee eyeshadow (pang in the chest), to your bronze lipstick, do me a favor. Off yourself. Don't be a "Cool Mom"...

And yes. I am an overread fashion snot. At least I don't believe my handbag improves my status in the world...that is all.

Can I get a "HEADS UP"?!

2009-09-22T12:26:00.004-05:00

Why didn't anyone tell me that people buy houses and get married in real life? My life. Real life. I wish someone could have given me a heads up that this stuff really does happen. Where were the people that give other people heads up?! I mean, I could have possibly restrained myself from running up credit cards in college or maybe even dated worthwhile-ers. But no. The heads up people didn't even give me a clue that these things could happen. Great. SO now I'm left with bad credit and a gagillion years until the day I get married. Thanks a lot jerk faces. I am making a citizens arrest on all of you heads up people because you suck at your job and therefor life.

Seriously. When did this whole "grown-up" thing come into full effect? Was I too busy deciding whether or not I could wear a shirt as a dress (which I NO LONGER do. Thank YOU. I was in college getting more bang for my buck. Think 2-in-1)?Where was I when everyone decided to grow up?! Oh wait. I remember. I was wherever on God's green earth American Express was accepted, bashing men, vowing to never let a man bring me down with that ludicrous "love" bullshit. I remember.

Point is, everywhere I look (facebook) someone is getting engaged, having a slutty bachelorette party (a completely different post in itself), tying the knot or entering a 30+ year commitment, aka, buying a house. Who would have thought--we all turn into married, home-owning, baby-loving, grown-up versions of ourselves? No really, I'm asking you a question.

Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do; I have money to make and whatever it is you to do to get someone to marry you. First I think I need to go shopping. My clothes do NOT say "money-maker"- "marry me". Well they say "money maker", but it's not exactly the look I'm going for. Wish me luck and money! Lawd knows I need all the help I can get.

money. marry.

money. marry.

money. marry.

marry. money.

whoops.

Day 52 3/4

2009-09-15T22:11:00.005-05:00

A day in the life of E.Torres

7am wake up!
Correction, I didn't really wake up as much as I had my eyes closed for most of the night. I don't think I fell asleep.

7:20 am Neti Pot
Oh how I love thee. You allow me to breathe through my nose for .5 seconds of the day. If you have allergies, peep the Neti pot. TRUST me. I will accept your gratitude in advance.

8:10am what you know about public transportation.
Caught the train to my work study at Zenon Dance Company. I'm pursuing my dance dreams. Ok, not really. Honestly, I don't have enough guts to do so. But I'm embarking on a free dance class journey. I felt a little Flash Dance like. I opened up the studios and swept the floors. I was all alone in front of mirrors, me and the broom. I looked out the windows to people with day jobs downtown. Ugh. My life is such a movie. This will more than likely happen next week before people anyone gets there

9:30 am Allergies.
So I have this God AWFUL thing called allergies. All I have to say is Fuck YOU allergies. I can't wear contacts currently. Any guesses why?! Allergies are the Devil

10:15am Peace Out Work Study
I had to cut out early, my contacts were painfully and slowly killing my eyes. If this is any sign of my dance dreams I am screwed. Oh wait, I don't have any.

10:30am Walking Home
Why is it that scary men sit under bridges? I mean they must know they look scary, WHY do they insist on chilling in the dark corners of a particularly bright day?

11:00am-5:00pm Lost Time
I honestly have NO idea what I did during this time. I only recall laying in front of the fan, positive I should go to the hospital.

5:20 pm Phone call
B-money called. Why is he teaching class and not at home? I am dying. I told him I was. He had to go-- students were arriving.

6:05 pm Still at Home
No Hospital

6:10 pm Phone Call
Rosie called. I told her I had the H-1. She told me to take my temp. No temp. No H-1.

6:45pm Phone Call
Huong called me. I told her about my recent near death experience earlier.

7:00 pm Nourishment
Stopped feeling like death for 20 minutes and picked up some Wonton Soup

7:45 pm Yum
Need I say more?

8:00 pm "The Office"
I had to catch up so I'd be ready for next season.

8:05 pm Slowly Melting
Apparently Wonton soup doesn't have a lasting "feel better" effect. I am back on the path to complete sickness.

9:05 pm VMAs
I didn't get to watch B's performance. "Put your hands in his FACE...Where my ring at?"
Thank you Beyonce for those words of wisdom. I however, would like my man to WANT to marry me. I'm just saying. I still love you though

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

9:15 pm Ugh
Kanye WHY are you such a dick?!

10:47pm God SPEED
I put my trust in you Neti. Sweet Dreams.

The Jobless Monster

2009-09-15T14:00:00.002-05:00

Day 52

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was 24. She hated her job.It hated her. It tried to kill her soul and rip out her heart. She liked her coworkers. They pretty much loved her. The job paid the bills. She had a lot of bills. She got called into an "important" meeting. Getting laid-off is important enough. She still doesn't have a job. She still has bills. Obama gives her an extra $25 just for being cool and laid-off (until December 2009). She dances in front of the mirror instead of applying for jobs. Sometimes she dances in front of mirrors with other people. People like to call them dance classes.

Hardcore Weave Flippin' and Fake Lash Battin'

2009-06-18T13:27:00.005-05:00

Rich Harrison created songs we DO adore-Crazy In Love by Beyonce, 1 Thing by Amerie, Get Right from J-lo...Now the producer has created a 4 woman group who is the hottest package since En Vogue. (yup, I said it) They are classy, beautiful in their own right, and EVERY ONE OF THEM can sing lead...ok...that HASN'T happened since En Vogue. I haven't been this excited for a LONG time....watch this video and you'll be going, "Elektric who?" These chickens work out for FOUR HOURS A DAY....

Here's the link to their video!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLcQFqEKlRw

He Gotta Big Ego (Wait...is that an Express logo?)

2009-06-18T13:12:00.002-05:00

You know the type: Nerdy glasses, skinny jeans, bright tennis shoes, with a serious case of Scarfitis. This fake "swag" de la nuevo metros, es NO BUENO! Where have all the beefy men gone?! (Kate Winslet in Titanic floatin on the piece of wood- Come back! whistle whistle Come back!) I pronounce this the Death of the Urban Hipster.

The most hilarious point about these ladymen are their claims of being into fashion...how they're unique...have their own style...when really they've been following every MOVE, LYRIC, THROAT CLEARANCE (ahe ahem), and STYLEPOINT from Jay-Z as quickly as they can. The throwbacks, to the buttonups. Now, the wannabe Hustla, has turned into the wannabe Businessman. For instance, if you are a man whose eyebrows are more precise than mine, claim to be "Kind of a big deal", and have an Express Men logo on your chest...you are what we called in middle school, a fuckin' poser. You never drank cognac til Jay-Z told you to! There's nothing wrong with Express, just don't front like you wanna go to Milan with Yeezy for Fashion Week.

I can't afford Thierry Mugler like Beyonce....but I don't stunt in my Target Go! International as if I'm better than you. I ADMIT my haircolor was inspired by the Beyonce Experience Tour DVD. I DROPPED the eyeliner and went for a nude lip when she did. I WISH I could do the Check on It dance, and I TRY!! I ADMIT that I'm on her jock! The concepts of "Bourgeious" and "Pretentious" do NOT hold correlation with one another. So guys, if you're in the shower chanting, "Ho-VA, Ho-VA!", stand around at Seven talkin about how you're "Doin' Big Things", and still attend college parties: I C U like Abbot Northwestern Hospital (shout out to Mummy)!!!!! For God's sake, find yourself.....
Cuz the Roc is CERTAINLY not in the building.

The Peanut Butter Brickhouse

2009-06-17T23:30:00.003-05:00

Ah, hello! Wanting to keep things fresh, Erica America asked me to share my perspective. My name's Anu, and I'm the new co-contributer to JustBelieveMe! We've been BFF's for five years, and talk about high snobiety, relationships, politics, and false eyelashes on the regular. Neither of us will ever turn down a cheeseburger. We care about others, a lot...we're Chatty Cathy's, both brown, and would say that the other woman is stronger (lemme tell ya, that's a lot of muscle).

The differences? E has a BF. I. Do. Not. She sips wine. I chug beer. She's a dreamer...I'm logical. E loves Mary J. Blige, I think she's totally overrated. I love babies, Erica IS a baby =) you get the idea.

I have much to say, am really dramatic, and heart adjectives...I hope my reality allows you to laugh til ya pee, drop your jaw in horror, and offer to be that new thing you learned today.

Oh! And why the name? Well...my skin's the color of Skippy. I always associate the jelly counterpart with stickin' to your ribs and the roof of your mouth (Holding you down, and kinda making you uncomfortable). The old jam, "Brickhouse" by The Commodores is about me....Put your hands together aaaaaaand:

"Shake it down, shake it down nooooow!"

Erica Still Got It.

2009-06-12T15:30:00.004-05:00

So, I went to Cali this past weekend-- landed in Sac-town, made my way to Berkeley and eventually San Fran. I ate my $.79/pound cherries (I know right), went to Alcatraz, walked up hills that seemed to last forever, discovered where "hella" originated and ate food like I was a poster-child for America's obesity epidemic. But there was one thing that stood out above all, that you can't get on a tour (well maybe you could, but that's not the point)-- I got hit on by an ASIAN boy.

STOP THE MOTHER F'IN PRESSES!

"An Asian you say Erica?" Yes, my foaming with anticipation friends, an ASIAN. Let me back this up, I was not just hit on by ONE Asian, but there were A FEW looking my way.

My first reaction was to check and see if my dress was tucked into my panties or maybe I had a "kick me" sign on my back. Nope, nothing. They were just looking at me. Erica with the "birthin-hips" and the hair that can't get big enough. Erica with the bright orange fingernails and turquoise rings. Erica with the ridiculous amount of bangles. They were looking at me! Erica, never-gets-hit-on-by-Asians, Erica!

Not interested, but noteworthy just the same.

Point is, Erica still got it.

The Top 10 of My 1st Blind Date

2009-06-09T13:56:00.003-05:00

10) It lasted 50 minutes bc he wanted to watch Game 1 of the finals.
9) He asked me to go out 'drinking and dancing' within five minutes of sitting down.
8) He glanced down at my chest throughout the expressdate like an 8th grader.
7) When the waitress asked if we wanted Apps, I said, "Ooh do you like egg rolls or chicken wings?" He shook his head briskly. (Clearly he wanted to save a few bucks.)
6) He checked his watch and texted between bites.
5) After pressuring me to say, "How are you" in my language, he said, "Ah (lick of lips), Sexy."
4) The food sucked.
3) "Indians are so smart, why do you just do hair?"
2) When the check came, I offered to pay. His response? "No...it isn't too much. I can do it."
1) He laughed like the Candleabra in Beauty and the Beast (throaty French HO HO HOOOO).

Signing Off,
Anu

A Bourgeious Brazilian Attempt

2009-06-04T10:24:00.003-05:00

In the hopes of putting a lil "spring in my step", I waxed my chocha. There is no new man in my life. No bikini clad vacation in my calendar. Hell, not even an introductory price. After endless episodes of Sex and the City, articles in Marie Claire, and Gisele (my BFF), I heard that a Brazilian wax makes you feel fresh, liberated, FIERCE! It was time for my world to be a little more bourgeious. I had hit a dry spell of working 40 hours a week, no guy to call, and wanted to do something for ME. I DESERVED THIS.

I popped two Tylenol and headed to Dinkytown to feel like the Independant Woman Neyo remixed with Jamie Foxx...Next thing dontchaknow, I was laying on what felt like a doctor's table, dress around my waist, and being told to breathe in...It was when I saw the popsicle stick, gooey with a NATURAL soy-based substance, that I realized this was so UNnatural. First came the heat, then came the yank, and finally, the stars. The esthiologist tried to distract me with conversations of Hawaii. My stammers turned into yelps, "I heard in Oahu a gallon of milk costs ten BUCKS-FUCKERS, OH GOD!" Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I was paying for excruciating pain. I was twitching because I DESERVED THIS?! Fresh? More like Big Baby Jesus RAW. I felt the opposite of liberated, I was under the command of Angelica, the slave driver. (these people must really dig S&M, the way they bark out). There was nothing fierce about bending my knees into acute angles. Ugh, I have fallen a victim to Vogue standards AGAIN. Twenty minutes later, I was left with a washcloth and azulene oil to pat myself down. As I counted my bill out in ones, I paused to wipe the sweat off my upper lip (whichIwouldwaxmyselfathomethanksbye), and shook my head at the next victim. Her eyes widened, and glazed over my counting, "Even strippers feel the pain? Oh. Em. Gee." (Actually, I have the ones because I'm a hairdresser, I was just trying to tell you to RUN BITCH-RUN!)

In my car, I fumbled for my parking validation, downed a bottle of water, and let the AC upskirt me. In the mirror, I saw my eyeliner had smeared, my baby hairs had formed a halo around my face, and I was still panting...I tilted the mirror down and looked at what I DESERVED. I kinda liked it. It WAS kind of adorable...desirable...definitely red....but maybe, worth it. Two days later, I'm fuzz free...Slick...And absolutely bourgeious. Will I wax again? Probably. Was the experience what I thought it would be? Hell to the NO. Way more painful....times 72. Lesson learned-feeling like Samantha Jones has very little to do with what her hooha looks like, but how she uses its POWER. Now. Either I need to get some action, or I'm walking around in a leotard like Lady Gaga.

Signing Off,

Anu

The Peanut Butter Brickhouse

Go-to's not to be confused with the GO-TO

2009-05-14T14:41:00.000-05:00

Just an FYI, I have officially cut ties with my go-to's and quite honestly, it gives me a little agita.

If you don't know what a go-to is, look at your recent texts from last Saturday night, or the last time it rained. Who did you text on this particularly lonesome, dreary day when all you wanted to do was cuddle? Who was that unsuspecting soul you texted at bar close after a few drinks and watching all those inebriated individuals dancing/kissing when there was no more music playing? THAT, ladies and gents, would be your go to. That person you can always count on for a few dates here and there or a night of cuddling when you don't feel like kickin it with the peeps/ Maybe just some simple text action when everyone is off somewhere else and you realize you've become the newest animal in the zoo to the group of dudes/females across the room (you'd rather just pretend this is not happening, again). Or simply boredom. Any who, in all of the above situations and in countless others, you have your go-to.

I've watched countless friends bounce back to their go-to's after or in between relationships, in times of boredom or inebriation. Many don't admit to the fact these are go-to's because they'd rather not be so black and white--well I'm not too much into shades of grey lately, it doesn't compliment my skin. They're go-to's.

Much to my own dismay, I have witnessed other friends as the go-to's. That's what got me thinking; this whole go-to thing, could be just bad karma.

Now I, for obvious reasons, have cut the fat in my life; it's more or less a lifestyle change. Oddly enough, I have come to the realization that go-to's count on being your go-to, so when communication is cut, it has a sort of fish out of water effect on them. I even had to give one an explanation so he'd get the hint (kind of). I've witnessed my go-to friends react the same way, an odd sense of denial, that the grey area is the "where you want to be" area.

But in releasing my previously mentioned go-to's, I have stumbled upon another type of GO-TO that has me thinking the other go-to's are actually more insignificant then I ever thought. Talk about insignificant other, I like having a significant other. The one I can go to at any time of day, about any sort of thing. The kind of GO-TO where I am happy to be their GO-TO. The GO-TO that makes it all better. The -GO-TO that makes your go-to's an unnecessary part of life. the one that makes you want to go from a go-to to a GO-TO.

Miguel said it best, at least I think this is what he was referring to:

"microwaves, toasters and grills won't solve your problems (they'll solve them)

one at a time"

In other words, no need for the trends when you'll always have your little black dress.

I hope to have a GO-TO one day forever. May you find your GO-TO (at least one for now) and never become a go-to ever. Ever, ever. The decision of whether or not you keep go-to's is your own deal.
Fin.

i keep my hair looking the bombdest

2009-05-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I kind of think my hair is great. To think, I hated my hair when I was little. But in my defense, I had this hairstyle for awhile that was very Hasidic Jew. Anywho... it took me a really long time to find the hair products that moisturize my hair situation and keep it in check. I hope one day you all will be given the gift of fabulous hair!

Random. I know. Leave it alone.

Love you too!

Lesson 1: Drama's no fun when you're not the one causing it.

2009-05-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

Yea, so, I was talking to my friend Marcel, he is what you would call a "man's man"(trust me--great friend, good guy, but wow, I would steer clear if I were you--I tell him this on the regular) and we were discussing men and women as usual. I DO agree with him, women love them some drama--I don't care what you say. My mother puts her stamp of approval on this as well. Now, I am not talking cheating on your man drama/throwing his clothes out the window drama, just the "why don't you buy me flowers, so and so gets flowers". You know you do it/have done it, I've seen you--don't even try to play like you haven't.

Por ejemplo: Me? I LOVE attention, just like B. Spears say, "give me, give me, give me, give me MORE", and when I'm not getting it, someone is going to know. So yes, I may have caused a little drama in the past to get my point across, but all worked out in the end and I got the attention I deserve. Yes, I said DESERVE. It's serious in these streets, thanks. Unfortunately, I have learned, when you're not causing the drama, it's not fun and it is no longer a game.

Imagine this, He/She makes you happy, you make them happy--it's pretty much an euphoria that you never want to end. Then imagine texts, phone calls, conversations, anything or everything that have no business sprouting seeds in your fantasy land.

Now maybe I have matured as a woman, but circumstances have made me realize I am no longer interested in drama, causing it or being on the receiving end of it--because there's nothing in it for me. It's not fun anymore. I'm not 16. I know you're not interested in singing "the boy is mine" in your room (although, I call Monica if shit hits the fan) and neither am I. If there's one thing I learned, when a man wants you, he wants you. You won't question his motives and he WILL bring you flowers. His clothes will stay hung in his closet--no need to throw those clothes out the window--because you're his woman.

For me, I will remember what he said a while back, when I wasn't even sure what was happening or what I was feeling, just understanding it was so organic and natural, he said "I think I love her though, everything is wonderful". And at that point you can just turn back, smile and skip forward (and pray to GOD that line was about you because you just blogged it).

No more drama, thank you Mary.

Stop Hating Me, Because I Love You!

2009-01-30T15:46:00.000-06:00

As much as mis amigos like to think I'm boo-ed up and this is to blame for my absence, it's quite the contrary. I am the party planner. I am your go to girl. I am your life. Ok, I am really not. Not at all actually. But I pretty much make your world-go-round. Ok, not that either, but I like to tickle my fancy every once in awhile. I have really not went ghost in any way shape or form. I have just been busy. Busy on a shoot. Busy contemplating my next moves. Busy getting up at 5am to work an 11-hour day with no lunch. Busy sleeping. Busy being sick. Busy not being able to sleep at night because I have developed asthma (ok, not that either, just sick). Ok, so yea, busy with my man friend. Busy trying to network and schmooze. And finally, too busy to call/text/gchat/aim/email all you heffers to get us all together. More importantly, I am lacking vitamin D right now, so I have pretty much shut down for the winter. Luckily, I have invested in some multi-vitamins, some other miracle vitamins, upped my omega 3 fatty acids and should be your party girl once again. So please stop hating me; I love you and I always will. I can be your party girl once again, if you just let me back in.

kisses.
e

Keep your crazy to yourself

2008-11-13T10:57:00.001-06:00

That was some advice I recently received. Weird, huh?

Let's apply this advice to a hypothetical situation, which may or may not be my life.

There's this guy, lets call him "Big" to be really creative. Big pops up here and there when I want him to, takes me out, is a good cuddle buddy and that's about as far as it goes. Well, I'm assuming we're friends, because we've already been there done that and I am NOT going through that again. But him, being the kind of man he is, likes to call things dates, just for kicks. BUT unlike a friend and LIKE a man that is really not that into me, he only "pops-up" and is not to be confused with a reliable, worthy of your time, man (friend or otherwise). So just the other day, when he once again did not do what he said he was going to do, I wrote an email that went a little something like this:

"Look, I don't go on dates with MY friends. I don't cuddle with MY friends. And I am not going to develop feelings for my friends. Do me a favor, lose my number."

Well, I guess this is crazy. So had this situation been real, I wouldn't have sent this. And had this situation been real, I would obviously plan to stay as far away from him as possible, before I send him something like this. Hypothetically that is. Keep your Crazy to yourself.

He's just not that into me and I'm just not into THAT

2008-11-13T08:59:00.001-06:00

So I'm reading this little book a friend lent me called He's Just Not That Into You. Let me forewarn you, it's a tough read, well not really, but lets just say my friend in New York picked up the book at Barnes & Noble, read a few pages, and set it back down, refusing to ever pick it up again.
Long story short, as Greg told me (Greg is my new friend, he wrote the book) "Don't waste your pretty". Here are some of the things Greg and I talked about last night (and by talking I mean I read the words of a man I hardly even know, Ok, I don't really know him at all, but that's not the point).

1) If a man is into you, he's going to try to ravage your body every chance he gets.
i.e. I'm not saying sleep with the man on the first date, I mean that's your deal, but you should be given every chance to shut him down. Men like the chase and mark my word, I'm going to give it to them just the way they like it, the chase that is.

2) If a man is into you, he is never too busy to call to say he is busy.
We've all had the "too busy" guy. He's so busy, so stressed, blah, blah, blah... excuses, excuses. In the age of texts, instant messages, email, gmail, whatever may be putting wind in your sails... 2 seconds can be taken to say "hey beautiful". That's it. Because obviously if a guy is into you... you'd be tired, because you've been running through his mind all day.

3) If he's dating other women. He's not that into you, he's into you AND them. Either way, do you really want recycled goods? EW.

4) He's not the one calling, emailing, texting, instant messaging or showing up at your doorstep with 2 doezen roses.
Well he might contact you JUST enough to keep you around, but that's just it, it's JUST enough to keep you around. Hey, I've been there too, I've even done that to men. Don't be THAT girl. I'm not going to be. Quick, someone please confiscate my phone from me. Thanks in advance.

5) I'm not ready, I don't want a relationship right now, I don't trust women, I don't want to mess our friendship up...I'M NOT INTO YOU. Move on, stop wasting your time love. Hanging around will probably make him detest you, and you don't want to be detested. BUSH is detested.

What I am trying to say is I've been doing a lot of things wrong. There are probably a handful of men on this earth who are into you; I've met 2 and I'm 23. They made me feel amazing. I want that again. I'll have that again. READ THE BOOK.

P.S.
Is this even realistic?

He has NO idea...

2008-11-13T08:56:00.000-06:00

That's it. I just thought I'd put that one out there.

Swagger so yesterday?

2008-11-09T13:07:00.000-06:00

" i hate swagger. the concept of "swagger" or "swag" is so incredibly played out and lame and ran into the ground to me now, it is disgusting. its not even cool anymore. i hate when people (especially n*ggraz) learn a concept and try to use it all the damn time, and they kill it. i dont even think i'd like it if someone told me i have "swag", i actually would probably take offense to it more so."

-Poor, unsuspecting friend who has no idea his emails are no longer a two way conversation

Yes, I do understand your irritation of the “swagger band wagon”. BUT, you have to remember the history and creation of swag, because in reality not everyone has swagger. And there are different definitions of swagger and those who epitomize it all. No doubt, J has swagger. He has it in his music, the way he dresses, the way he talks, his persona is swaggered out. Common has a swagger, kanye, 3000… you KNOW they have swagger. BUT now everyone is trying to capitalize on the idea of swagger. Swagger in essence, is a form of inherent cockiness that someone might have because they are just THAT good… BUT to get the swag… people have to also be able to see it. THAT is when you have swagger. But I will agree with you, swagger is being abused. WTF? TI MIGHT have a lil swagger… ONLY because he is short and insignificant and he presents himself with a certain aura of I’m not sure exactly what, but I still believed him when he said I could have whatever I like. Similar to weezy F baby (please say the baby). BUT I would say their swaggerdom is definitely on a different level than others… a lower level… one that DOES NOT cover all bases of swagger-ness. So you see , yes I understand the thought of everyone claiming swagger is not appealing… but you have to remember swagger in it’s most purest form. So ONLY be offended of being accused of having swagger if that person is a wayne head.

My friend Terrell says, "I think 3k is the most swaggerly person on the planet. But with him I wouldn't say it's cockiness, it's his extreme humbleness combined with something..."

Which possibly is what epitomizes it all... respect for the game.

That is all.

Sorry, I'm going on a tangent. Oh wait. My life IS on a tangent.

2008-10-01T09:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I find myself in conversation with a friend, talking about our careers, men, friends, family, life, whatever comes to mind. Sometimes I find myself dominating the conversation. At this point I apologize for going on a tangent. But then I realize, "my life IS a tangent" (thanks Anu). My stories never have an ending because they are a continuous tangent of something that should have ended a long time ago. I am a Sagittarius in all aspects of the meaning, thanks to my cousin Anna, I understand this fire sign, which has either blessed or cursed me (give me a couple years to figure that out). I have the "peter pan" syndrome, I never want to grow up. I am unmistakably fun and bubbly MOST of the time, especially to those who are on the outside. But because of this, people sense an overwhelming sense of naivety. To top It all off, I want everything NOW and I need a constant change of scenery in my life (interpret that as you wish). So you can see why my life is on a tangent, I'm a spazzy little kid trapped in a twenty-somethings body. There is actually no hope for me or for my mother who has a heart attack every time I tell her my "new" idea for my life (little does she know, I actually have had 5 new ideas since I walked into her house). Or for my friends who have to undoubtedly be the most patient people on earth to listen what man I am into this season and all the drama I have caused (by myself, did I mention I want EVERYTHING now) and how to fix it. Or to my coworkers, who I am sure think I am a lunatic, but still have lunch with me everyday. Or to my cousins, who accept the fact that I am a space cadet.

Sorry, I am going on a tangent.

I just threw up in my mouth a little...

2008-09-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

Why is it that women constantly need clarity? Why do we wonder why he's acting this or that way? Why is it we question what's going on? Why are women the ones who think about the future? Why aren't women more like men? Why can't we just go with the flow?

Every woman I have ever come across wonders why. Men always say they'll never figure women out and quite frankly, they're ok with that. Women on the other hand want to know the meaning behind every action, word, touch, kiss and glance. And if we can't figure that out, then dammit, we need to know why we can't. What is it in women that makes us want to know everything? Why can men just go with the flow and are ok with that? I've went with the flow, that current took me down stream, in the wrong direction. Men on the other hand do it daily and are completely satisfied

Why is it that as women we over analyze things and say things that didn't necessarily need to be said? I'm just going to throw this out there, I am DAMN good at saying the wrong things...all of the time. You think there's a moment that can't be ruined? Well I must have not been there, because I have a bad case of word vomit.

Some like to call women like me "planners". I like to think of us as "clarifiers". But getting clarity on life is sometimes unnecessary. Do you really need to know what your friend is wearing tonight? No. Because chances are you're going to be wearing the same thing you planned on wearing. Do you need to know why he's acting this way or that, doing this or that? No.

I want constant clarification. Where are we going? Who's going to be there? How is so and so getting there? Should this be happening? Is this ok?

I can answer all of these questions myself. Same place we've been talking about. It doesn't matter. It's not your business. It's already happening, get over it. Yes.

Going Dutch with a French

2008-09-02T22:00:00.000-05:00

It's a common misconception that when a man asks a man out on a date, it means he's actually going to pay for anything. In the generation of "chillin", "kickin it"or my personal favorite "watching a movie", it is understandable how an entire gender could get the whole dating thing wrong. I guess men now get credit for JUST asking a woman out on a date.

Women and men in their early twenties are used to being broke, TOGETHER. But now that we're both raking in the dough (I use "raking" loosely, as in I don't eat ramen for dinner 5 times a week) it's time for that transition. Where men have to be men. I mean we're not asking for a marriage proposal on the first date, we're asking to avoid the awkwardness of the moment between the last bite and when the bill has arrived. Just grab the damn check and please, if for some reason the woman says "oh, I can pay for my meal" (if you listen closely this is said very unenthusiastically), do NOT say ok. Because she does NOT want to pay. She wants you to say "no, I have it" (preferably said VERY enthusiastically). Even if she offers to pay the tip, it's still a N-O. Wait until the um-teenth date when you two are out for ice cream or something really cheap to even consider this.

If you can't afford dinner, then don't ask us to dinner. Take the poor girl to the Museum or the botanical gardens, aka, free.

And girls, whatever you do, don't go dutch with a Frenchie. It's just wrong.

Hoe, sit DOWN!

2008-08-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

Tyra... STOP IT, NOW.

Seriously, do we need yet ANOTHER reason why Republicans can find a reason to find Obama "un-fit" for presidency. I mean I love Tyra and all, but she has taken it too far. You don't see Heidi Klum taking photos as Hillary Clinton or McCain's main squeeze? Tyra, you're fabulous and all, love Top Model, but seriously, you're not helping. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I've seen her talk show a couple times and watched her sit there and carry on a conversation about a subject she in no way relates too. I know you want to help people honey, but telling the obese, kleptos and fugos that you can relate is just wrong... as is this photo. The last thing Michelle needs is the supermodel stereotype hovering in its oh so radiant and perfect light, around her.

thanks for trying.

My life...thank you urbandictionary.com and thank you Anna

2008-07-29T16:10:00.000-05:00

Me...on any given day. My phone knows waaaaay too much about me.

Textpectation

The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

Once again, me, on any given day.

flirtationship

When you regularly flirt with an acquaintance or friend but do no more.

So, my friend went to Convention

2008-07-29T15:46:00.000-05:00

Ask me about convention and I can tell you exactly what i think it is. Convention is an annual event where East Indians network and find potential suitors, wives and overall LOVAHS. I can picture a HUGE crowd of beautiful brown people all looking for that special something in someone--that or a good lay (ew. sorry that was raunchy).

Seriously, my friend landed in NY and instantly texted me, "if I get hit on at Convention as many times as I have at this airport, I'm getting laid by Tuesday". Point proven. I hope she finds some meat she likes.

Anyway, convention happened...and I'm waiting to hear what it's ACTUALLY like. I'm just going to throw this out there... I bet you there were no elephants. *sigh. i love elephants.

I'M JOINING THE CONVENT!!!!!

2008-07-16T15:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, well not really. But dammit, feminism and the whole sexual revolution that came along with it really messed things up for me. That whole saying,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", is pretty much my reality.

I'm a realist, I can understand this. Why deal with this spoiled broad when you can get a puttana for free (oops, did I say that?!)? Yes, some have accused me of being spoiled. I call it having expectations, please don't get it twisted. I mean, since when did courting a girl go out of style? Oh yea. Ha! How could I be so silly? Chivalry was no longer a requirement when all the girls started giving it up as a statement that women were in as much control of their sexuality as men. No disrespect to all the Samantha Jones', but f***, you're kind of ruining my life. Maybe I can propose a treaty?

Hello, my name is Erica and I am an insomniac.

2008-07-15T13:12:00.000-05:00

So, I have this problem-- I don't sleep. I'm really tired, my eyes are heavy, my body is limp and yet, I can't for the LIFE OF ME fall asleep at night. On Friday, I actually took a sleeping pill and chased it with chamomile tea...at 5:30 am. Mind you I had just went out for a guys night (It's this new thing I've been doing since my girlfriends are LAME...and I KNOW every one of you are reading this) and threw back a few with the fellas (I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em), so in retrospect I should have been fresh meat for that unrelenting slumber. But no, no I wasn't. Guess I've been an insomniac too long to have the dream world even take a second glance at me. So instead I'm left with a sleeping pill to chase with chamomile tea. Needless to say, I think I have a problem.

UGH. I am SO over it.

2008-07-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

Things I am over:

1. G, The Wacker and Special K
2. BIG
3. Fake facades
4. WORK!!!!!
5. facebook (ok, not really. but i hate that i love it)
6. Jar Jar Binks
7. My knee
8. Anu not answering my calls
9. Franzdiego not being in my life
10. Anna living in a different state
11. Minnesota
12. chipped nails (eh. so mine are chipped today, but dammit...never again!)
13. Sushi-- I don't like it and I NEVER will...deal with it!
14. Portal Potties
15. Washing Dishes
16. Body Hair
17. Men who don't wear cologne (I know, I know, I'm obsessing now)

18. The New Yorker (seriously, not ok, I don't agree it's journalism or as they claim..."satire")
19. 7
20. Rain
21. people who don't know how to drive
22. Icky feet
23. Being confused but too shy to do anything about it
24. Self righteous hippies (granola eaters)
25. wrinkles (I don't have any, but one day I probably will (GOD IT HURTS TO SAY) and I will be over it then, I'm just thinking ahead)
26. Student Loans
27. Being an adult
28. Watching people walk out of a stall and DON'T wash their hands. I mean come on--really?!
29. Fat Luke
30. Negative people. SO over them.

Just in case I didn't call and let you know yesterday...

2008-07-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

I have a work ethic. It's been awhile since I've had one-- so long I actually thought I didn't have one. But the past couple days I've stayed late at work! I KNOW right?! I guess that's what happens when you actually start to like your job. Weird. I even called my mom. Needless to say, she was proud...well at least that's what I took the unwavering silence for. I think I'll get her a bumper sticker that says "my daughter has a work ethic and your kid sucks". =)

excuse me, but i like the smell of man.

2008-07-01T09:56:00.001-05:00

I just thought everyone should know I appreciate when a man smells good. I know I have a ridiculously strong sense of smell, but what can I say, I know a good man smell. Now I'm not talking outdoor man smell, ew, gross. I'm talking your soap has a clean, fresh, invigorating scent. Hell, my ex had some great smelling deodorant, can't lie. I mean even Axe (yes, I'm a bit ashamed) gets me! It's just such a waste when men smell like NOTHING. Like really? Do you not want me to remember you? Because as quick as I can be interested I can lose interest (thank you A.D.D.). Really, it's as simple as that, bathing. But then there are those who, wait for it, wear cologne! O.M.G.! Crazy right?! My friend, I'll call him Mose, for the sake of him getting extremely embarrassed (although I'm sure it's not a secret), he smells amazing at all times. Can other guys get on HIS LEVEL?

Thanks in advance.

I wanna make love in this club... oh wait. i did. 9 months ago.

2008-06-25T20:19:00.000-05:00

AN ODE TO PREGNANT WOMEN

IN THE CLUB

It's just wrong. I don't care. When you start showing and you're in the club...dammit, it's just wrong. Now I'm not saying pregnant women don't know how to get down because we all know they DID get down, obviously. I mean you wouldn't bring your 3 year-old to the club, why would you EVER bring your unborn fetus to the club. Well, let me take some of that back, because if you're not showing and you're a couple of months along, I don't see why you can't go to the bar and have a club soda with some friends (I may think that because I'm 23 and I am NOT ready to give up my drinking habits). But when you're tummy starts sticking out farther then your backside, your swollen toes are gushing...not peeping out of your peep toes, your glow is over shadowed by the sweaty broad's next to you and the guy standing behind you asks if your pantene pro-v like hair (thank you pre-natal vitamins) is really yours, it's time to go home mami.

promise not to tell...

2008-06-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

but i think i might have a crush on lloyd. don't laugh. i'm not sure. it could be his hair that i have a crush on. i mean seriously. i think he may deep condition more than me. maybe because i am in heart with this song. but i think it's probably because i want to be painted silver and have lights in my eyes. and maybe a little of the before mentioned. either way i am now in heart with lloyd.

sorry for letting you down.

Every year Juneteenth, Every year somebody gets shot.

2008-06-23T09:49:00.000-05:00

"Three people were injured by gunfire at the Juneteenth Festival in Theodore Wirth Park in Minneapolis on Saturday. The tragedy of the shooting threatens to play into corporate media stereotypes of black violence and gang activity, overshadowing this celebration of the end of slavery in the United States. "

-Twin Cities Indy Media

Blatantly obvious. Maybe somebody will actually cancel Juneteenth, or maybe (I'm just throwing some obviously CRAZY ideas out there) do something different to commemorate the end of slavery since it wasn't just black people getting shot this time. Maybe someone will realize guns see no color but always lead to the self destruction and mutilation of a community. Maybe because these wounds have punctured their own, someone will finally put an end to a tradition that no longer commemorates a monumental time in history, but now commemorates an annual perpetuation of stereotypes of the black community.

In the end, something needs to change. Vendors should stop supporting an event that is no longer giving people a sense of community to those whose ancestral lines were literally stolen and individual history has long been erased, an event that is stripping a community of its entitlement to celebrate a historical event in which signified the beginning of a long and ongoing struggle to obtain their inalienable rights.

Money is power after all. If vendors stop renting booths IN THE NAME OF CHANGE, maybe somebody will actually take notice.

It's too bad maybe has to litter my head.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program...

if i had a lot of money i'd name my kid after a fruit...

2008-06-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

So my search is over, I know what my next step in life is, a baby. Seriously, I think it's the thing to do. A few weeks ago my girlfriends and I went to a picnic and one by one everyone arrived pregers or with a kid. Although,I do have to hand it to those bold individuals who chose to test the obviously sick and twisted humor of the gods and arrived with their slobbering pooch. Good for them.

Now don't get me wrong I heart kids, but DAMN, when did this happen? When did I reach the age when having kids wasn't taboo but looked upon as just the next step? Because I'm pretty sure I've done some semi-positive and semi-memorable things thus far and what do I get? Somebody's adorable, bundle of joy that makes you forget about all the hate in the world. HOW the h-e-double hockey sticks am I suppose to compete with that? I mean I could win the Nobel Prize and I'm positive my mom would be like, "So, have you been on a date lately? You know every month you're wasting an egg."

I now know what I must do. Instead of waiting for this Mr. Right to come along that everyone keeps telling me about, I will win the lottery, go to the minute clinic (I mean I really don't have time to go to the sperm bank, they HAVE to be able to do it there) and knock myself up. Then I'll be rich, with child, pop that sucker out and call it Pear (not to be confused with Apple).

oops, I think I'm kind of in heart with you now

2008-06-16T11:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have hot friends.

Sometimes you are on the rebound.

Sometimes you realize you on the rebound+hot friend=default crush.

At which point, do not pass go and do not collect (if you know what I mean). Sometimes your friend isn't even that hot (doesn't matter, don't collect). And other times, your default crush is neither hot or your friend. Either way, the latter is probably the best.

But then again, if Common was my friend, screw the rules. GOT DAMN I'd have his babies.

that is all.

Sleep Gropers Annonymous

2008-06-13T16:14:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention after numerous AIM conversations, phone calls and texts from friends of BOTH sexes, there is a serious disorder that is plaguing our generation and you should probably be informed (you can thank me later).

Sleep groping by definition is when two or more people (we don't judge here) lay, stand or sit next to each other while in an undisputed dormant state and more often than not, are not in anyway "official". One party, while still in the state of sugar plum fairies dancing in their head, might cop a feel, rub you down, feel you up or stroke you sideways (I heard that one the other day, still not sure what that means, but we'll go with it).

Now OF COURSE anybody in their right mind wakes up startled and utterly confused as to why this person has went THERE. This is common especially among the: "It's not even like that", "We're just friends (now)", "We're not even together(now)". This my friends and hoes, is a classic case of sleep groping. We've all been there, waking up perplexed, perhaps given a false sense of a non-existent interest from the offender.

Just remember kids, there is NO underlying meaning, your friendship did not bloom into a sultry romance novel and you did not rekindle that flame.

If you have not yet experienced sleep groping, well then, GOD SPEED. Because inevitably, it will happen one day and on that day, do not fret, do not worry that pretty little head of yours, because you have been warned and given the tools to overcome this very powerful and frightening disorder.