The Top 10 of My 1st Blind Date

10) It lasted 50 minutes bc he wanted to watch Game 1 of the finals.
9) He asked me to go out 'drinking and dancing' within five minutes of sitting down.
8) He glanced down at my chest throughout the expressdate like an 8th grader.
7) When the waitress asked if we wanted Apps, I said, "Ooh do you like egg rolls or chicken wings?" He shook his head briskly. (Clearly he wanted to save a few bucks.)
6) He checked his watch and texted between bites.
5) After pressuring me to say, "How are you" in my language, he said, "Ah (lick of lips), Sexy."
4) The food sucked.
3) "Indians are so smart, why do you just do hair?"
2) When the check came, I offered to pay. His response? "No...it isn't too much. I can do it."
1) He laughed like the Candleabra in Beauty and the Beast (throaty French HO HO HOOOO).

Signing Off,
Anu

A Bourgeious Brazilian Attempt

In the hopes of putting a lil "spring in my step", I waxed my chocha. There is no new man in my life. No bikini clad vacation in my calendar. Hell, not even an introductory price. After endless episodes of Sex and the City, articles in Marie Claire, and Gisele (my BFF), I heard that a Brazilian wax makes you feel fresh, liberated, FIERCE! It was time for my world to be a little more bourgeious. I had hit a dry spell of working 40 hours a week, no guy to call, and wanted to do something for ME. I DESERVED THIS.

I popped two Tylenol and headed to Dinkytown to feel like the Independant Woman Neyo remixed with Jamie Foxx...Next thing dontchaknow, I was laying on what felt like a doctor's table, dress around my waist, and being told to breathe in...It was when I saw the popsicle stick, gooey with a NATURAL soy-based substance, that I realized this was so UNnatural. First came the heat, then came the yank, and finally, the stars. The esthiologist tried to distract me with conversations of Hawaii. My stammers turned into yelps, "I heard in Oahu a gallon of milk costs ten BUCKS-FUCKERS, OH GOD!" Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I was paying for excruciating pain. I was twitching because I DESERVED THIS?! Fresh? More like Big Baby Jesus RAW. I felt the opposite of liberated, I was under the command of Angelica, the slave driver. (these people must really dig S&M, the way they bark out). There was nothing fierce about bending my knees into acute angles. Ugh, I have fallen a victim to Vogue standards AGAIN. Twenty minutes later, I was left with a washcloth and azulene oil to pat myself down. As I counted my bill out in ones, I paused to wipe the sweat off my upper lip (whichIwouldwaxmyselfathomethanksbye), and shook my head at the next victim. Her eyes widened, and glazed over my counting, "Even strippers feel the pain? Oh. Em. Gee." (Actually, I have the ones because I'm a hairdresser, I was just trying to tell you to RUN BITCH-RUN!)

In my car, I fumbled for my parking validation, downed a bottle of water, and let the AC upskirt me. In the mirror, I saw my eyeliner had smeared, my baby hairs had formed a halo around my face, and I was still panting...I tilted the mirror down and looked at what I DESERVED. I kinda liked it. It WAS kind of adorable...desirable...definitely red....but maybe, worth it. Two days later, I'm fuzz free...Slick...And absolutely bourgeious. Will I wax again? Probably. Was the experience what I thought it would be? Hell to the NO. Way more painful....times 72. Lesson learned-feeling like Samantha Jones has very little to do with what her hooha looks like, but how she uses its POWER. Now. Either I need to get some action, or I'm walking around in a leotard like Lady Gaga.

Signing Off,

Anu

The Peanut Butter Brickhouse

Go-to's not to be confused with the GO-TO

Just an FYI, I have officially cut ties with my go-to's and quite honestly, it gives me a little agita.

If you don't know what a go-to is, look at your recent texts from last Saturday night, or the last time it rained. Who did you text on this particularly lonesome, dreary day when all you wanted to do was cuddle? Who was that unsuspecting soul you texted at bar close after a few drinks and watching all those inebriated individuals dancing/kissing when there was no more music playing? THAT, ladies and gents, would be your go to. That person you can always count on for a few dates here and there or a night of cuddling when you don't feel like kickin it with the peeps/ Maybe just some simple text action when everyone is off somewhere else and you realize you've become the newest animal in the zoo to the group of dudes/females across the room (you'd rather just pretend this is not happening, again). Or simply boredom. Any who, in all of the above situations and in countless others, you have your go-to.

I've watched countless friends bounce back to their go-to's after or in between relationships, in times of boredom or inebriation. Many don't admit to the fact these are go-to's because they'd rather not be so black and white--well I'm not too much into shades of grey lately, it doesn't compliment my skin. They're go-to's.

Much to my own dismay, I have witnessed other friends as the go-to's. That's what got me thinking; this whole go-to thing, could be just bad karma.

Now I, for obvious reasons, have cut the fat in my life; it's more or less a lifestyle change. Oddly enough, I have come to the realization that go-to's count on being your go-to, so when communication is cut, it has a sort of fish out of water effect on them. I even had to give one an explanation so he'd get the hint (kind of). I've witnessed my go-to friends react the same way, an odd sense of denial, that the grey area is the "where you want to be" area.

But in releasing my previously mentioned go-to's, I have stumbled upon another type of GO-TO that has me thinking the other go-to's are actually more insignificant then I ever thought. Talk about insignificant other, I like having a significant other. The one I can go to at any time of day, about any sort of thing. The kind of GO-TO where I am happy to be their GO-TO. The GO-TO that makes it all better. The -GO-TO that makes your go-to's an unnecessary part of life. the one that makes you want to go from a go-to to a GO-TO.

Miguel said it best, at least I think this is what he was referring to:

"microwaves, toasters and grills won't solve your problems (they'll solve them)

one at a time"

In other words, no need for the trends when you'll always have your little black dress.

I hope to have a GO-TO one day forever. May you find your GO-TO (at least one for now) and never become a go-to ever. Ever, ever. The decision of whether or not you keep go-to's is your own deal.
Fin.

i keep my hair looking the bombdest

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I kind of think my hair is great. To think, I hated my hair when I was little. But in my defense, I had this hairstyle for awhile that was very Hasidic Jew. Anywho... it took me a really long time to find the hair products that moisturize my hair situation and keep it in check. I hope one day you all will be given the gift of fabulous hair!

Random. I know. Leave it alone.

Love you too!

Lesson 1: Drama's no fun when you're not the one causing it.

Yea, so, I was talking to my friend Marcel, he is what you would call a "man's man"(trust me--great friend, good guy, but wow, I would steer clear if I were you--I tell him this on the regular) and we were discussing men and women as usual. I DO agree with him, women love them some drama--I don't care what you say. My mother puts her stamp of approval on this as well. Now, I am not talking cheating on your man drama/throwing his clothes out the window drama, just the "why don't you buy me flowers, so and so gets flowers". You know you do it/have done it, I've seen you--don't even try to play like you haven't.

Por ejemplo: Me? I LOVE attention, just like B. Spears say, "give me, give me, give me, give me MORE", and when I'm not getting it, someone is going to know. So yes, I may have caused a little drama in the past to get my point across, but all worked out in the end and I got the attention I deserve. Yes, I said DESERVE. It's serious in these streets, thanks. Unfortunately, I have learned, when you're not causing the drama, it's not fun and it is no longer a game.

Imagine this, He/She makes you happy, you make them happy--it's pretty much an euphoria that you never want to end. Then imagine texts, phone calls, conversations, anything or everything that have no business sprouting seeds in your fantasy land.

Now maybe I have matured as a woman, but circumstances have made me realize I am no longer interested in drama, causing it or being on the receiving end of it--because there's nothing in it for me. It's not fun anymore. I'm not 16. I know you're not interested in singing "the boy is mine" in your room (although, I call Monica if shit hits the fan) and neither am I. If there's one thing I learned, when a man wants you, he wants you. You won't question his motives and he WILL bring you flowers. His clothes will stay hung in his closet--no need to throw those clothes out the window--because you're his woman.

For me, I will remember what he said a while back, when I wasn't even sure what was happening or what I was feeling, just understanding it was so organic and natural, he said "I think I love her though, everything is wonderful". And at that point you can just turn back, smile and skip forward (and pray to GOD that line was about you because you just blogged it).

No more drama, thank you Mary.

Stop Hating Me, Because I Love You!

As much as mis amigos like to think I'm boo-ed up and this is to blame for my absence, it's quite the contrary. I am the party planner. I am your go to girl. I am your life. Ok, I am really not. Not at all actually. But I pretty much make your world-go-round. Ok, not that either, but I like to tickle my fancy every once in awhile. I have really not went ghost in any way shape or form. I have just been busy. Busy on a shoot. Busy contemplating my next moves. Busy getting up at 5am to work an 11-hour day with no lunch. Busy sleeping. Busy being sick. Busy not being able to sleep at night because I have developed asthma (ok, not that either, just sick). Ok, so yea, busy with my man friend. Busy trying to network and schmooze. And finally, too busy to call/text/gchat/aim/email all you heffers to get us all together. More importantly, I am lacking vitamin D right now, so I have pretty much shut down for the winter. Luckily, I have invested in some multi-vitamins, some other miracle vitamins, upped my omega 3 fatty acids and should be your party girl once again. So please stop hating me; I love you and I always will. I can be your party girl once again, if you just let me back in.

kisses.
e

Keep your crazy to yourself

That was some advice I recently received. Weird, huh?

Let's apply this advice to a hypothetical situation, which may or may not be my life.

There's this guy, lets call him "Big" to be really creative. Big pops up here and there when I want him to, takes me out, is a good cuddle buddy and that's about as far as it goes. Well, I'm assuming we're friends, because we've already been there done that and I am NOT going through that again. But him, being the kind of man he is, likes to call things dates, just for kicks. BUT unlike a friend and LIKE a man that is really not that into me, he only "pops-up" and is not to be confused with a reliable, worthy of your time, man (friend or otherwise). So just the other day, when he once again did not do what he said he was going to do, I wrote an email that went a little something like this:

"Look, I don't go on dates with MY friends. I don't cuddle with MY friends. And I am not going to develop feelings for my friends. Do me a favor, lose my number."

Well, I guess this is crazy. So had this situation been real, I wouldn't have sent this. And had this situation been real, I would obviously plan to stay as far away from him as possible, before I send him something like this. Hypothetically that is. Keep your Crazy to yourself.

He's just not that into me and I'm just not into THAT

So I'm reading this little book a friend lent me called He's Just Not That Into You. Let me forewarn you, it's a tough read, well not really, but lets just say my friend in New York picked up the book at Barnes & Noble, read a few pages, and set it back down, refusing to ever pick it up again.
Long story short, as Greg told me (Greg is my new friend, he wrote the book) "Don't waste your pretty". Here are some of the things Greg and I talked about last night (and by talking I mean I read the words of a man I hardly even know, Ok, I don't really know him at all, but that's not the point).

1) If a man is into you, he's going to try to ravage your body every chance he gets.
i.e. I'm not saying sleep with the man on the first date, I mean that's your deal, but you should be given every chance to shut him down. Men like the chase and mark my word, I'm going to give it to them just the way they like it, the chase that is.

2) If a man is into you, he is never too busy to call to say he is busy.
We've all had the "too busy" guy. He's so busy, so stressed, blah, blah, blah... excuses, excuses. In the age of texts, instant messages, email, gmail, whatever may be putting wind in your sails... 2 seconds can be taken to say "hey beautiful". That's it. Because obviously if a guy is into you... you'd be tired, because you've been running through his mind all day.

3) If he's dating other women. He's not that into you, he's into you AND them. Either way, do you really want recycled goods? EW.

4) He's not the one calling, emailing, texting, instant messaging or showing up at your doorstep with 2 doezen roses.
Well he might contact you JUST enough to keep you around, but that's just it, it's JUST enough to keep you around. Hey, I've been there too, I've even done that to men. Don't be THAT girl. I'm not going to be. Quick, someone please confiscate my phone from me. Thanks in advance.

5) I'm not ready, I don't want a relationship right now, I don't trust women, I don't want to mess our friendship up...I'M NOT INTO YOU. Move on, stop wasting your time love. Hanging around will probably make him detest you, and you don't want to be detested. BUSH is detested.

What I am trying to say is I've been doing a lot of things wrong. There are probably a handful of men on this earth who are into you; I've met 2 and I'm 23. They made me feel amazing. I want that again. I'll have that again. READ THE BOOK.


P.S.
Is this even realistic?

He has NO idea...

That's it. I just thought I'd put that one out there.

Swagger so yesterday?

" i hate swagger. the concept of "swagger" or "swag" is so incredibly played out and lame and ran into the ground to me now, it is disgusting. its not even cool anymore. i hate when people (especially n*ggraz) learn a concept and try to use it all the damn time, and they kill it. i dont even think i'd like it if someone told me i have "swag", i actually would probably take offense to it more so."

-Poor, unsuspecting friend who has no idea his emails are no longer a two way conversation

Yes, I do understand your irritation of the “swagger band wagon”. BUT, you have to remember the history and creation of swag, because in reality not everyone has swagger. And there are different definitions of swagger and those who epitomize it all. No doubt, J has swagger. He has it in his music, the way he dresses, the way he talks, his persona is swaggered out. Common has a swagger, kanye, 3000… you KNOW they have swagger. BUT now everyone is trying to capitalize on the idea of swagger. Swagger in essence, is a form of inherent cockiness that someone might have because they are just THAT good… BUT to get the swag… people have to also be able to see it. THAT is when you have swagger. But I will agree with you, swagger is being abused. WTF? TI MIGHT have a lil swagger… ONLY because he is short and insignificant and he presents himself with a certain aura of I’m not sure exactly what, but I still believed him when he said I could have whatever I like. Similar to weezy F baby (please say the baby). BUT I would say their swaggerdom is definitely on a different level than others… a lower level… one that DOES NOT cover all bases of swagger-ness. So you see , yes I understand the thought of everyone claiming swagger is not appealing… but you have to remember swagger in it’s most purest form. So ONLY be offended of being accused of having swagger if that person is a wayne head.


My friend Terrell says, "I think 3k is the most swaggerly person on the planet. But with him I wouldn't say it's cockiness, it's his extreme humbleness combined with something..."

Which possibly is what epitomizes it all... respect for the game.





That is all.