Keep your crazy to yourself

That was some advice I recently received. Weird, huh?

Let's apply this advice to a hypothetical situation, which may or may not be my life.

There's this guy, lets call him "Big" to be really creative. Big pops up here and there when I want him to, takes me out, is a good cuddle buddy and that's about as far as it goes. Well, I'm assuming we're friends, because we've already been there done that and I am NOT going through that again. But him, being the kind of man he is, likes to call things dates, just for kicks. BUT unlike a friend and LIKE a man that is really not that into me, he only "pops-up" and is not to be confused with a reliable, worthy of your time, man (friend or otherwise). So just the other day, when he once again did not do what he said he was going to do, I wrote an email that went a little something like this:

"Look, I don't go on dates with MY friends. I don't cuddle with MY friends. And I am not going to develop feelings for my friends. Do me a favor, lose my number."

Well, I guess this is crazy. So had this situation been real, I wouldn't have sent this. And had this situation been real, I would obviously plan to stay as far away from him as possible, before I send him something like this. Hypothetically that is. Keep your Crazy to yourself.

He's just not that into me and I'm just not into THAT

So I'm reading this little book a friend lent me called He's Just Not That Into You. Let me forewarn you, it's a tough read, well not really, but lets just say my friend in New York picked up the book at Barnes & Noble, read a few pages, and set it back down, refusing to ever pick it up again.
Long story short, as Greg told me (Greg is my new friend, he wrote the book) "Don't waste your pretty". Here are some of the things Greg and I talked about last night (and by talking I mean I read the words of a man I hardly even know, Ok, I don't really know him at all, but that's not the point).

1) If a man is into you, he's going to try to ravage your body every chance he gets.
i.e. I'm not saying sleep with the man on the first date, I mean that's your deal, but you should be given every chance to shut him down. Men like the chase and mark my word, I'm going to give it to them just the way they like it, the chase that is.

2) If a man is into you, he is never too busy to call to say he is busy.
We've all had the "too busy" guy. He's so busy, so stressed, blah, blah, blah... excuses, excuses. In the age of texts, instant messages, email, gmail, whatever may be putting wind in your sails... 2 seconds can be taken to say "hey beautiful". That's it. Because obviously if a guy is into you... you'd be tired, because you've been running through his mind all day.

3) If he's dating other women. He's not that into you, he's into you AND them. Either way, do you really want recycled goods? EW.

4) He's not the one calling, emailing, texting, instant messaging or showing up at your doorstep with 2 doezen roses.
Well he might contact you JUST enough to keep you around, but that's just it, it's JUST enough to keep you around. Hey, I've been there too, I've even done that to men. Don't be THAT girl. I'm not going to be. Quick, someone please confiscate my phone from me. Thanks in advance.

5) I'm not ready, I don't want a relationship right now, I don't trust women, I don't want to mess our friendship up...I'M NOT INTO YOU. Move on, stop wasting your time love. Hanging around will probably make him detest you, and you don't want to be detested. BUSH is detested.

What I am trying to say is I've been doing a lot of things wrong. There are probably a handful of men on this earth who are into you; I've met 2 and I'm 23. They made me feel amazing. I want that again. I'll have that again. READ THE BOOK.


P.S.
Is this even realistic?

He has NO idea...

That's it. I just thought I'd put that one out there.

Swagger so yesterday?

" i hate swagger. the concept of "swagger" or "swag" is so incredibly played out and lame and ran into the ground to me now, it is disgusting. its not even cool anymore. i hate when people (especially n*ggraz) learn a concept and try to use it all the damn time, and they kill it. i dont even think i'd like it if someone told me i have "swag", i actually would probably take offense to it more so."

-Poor, unsuspecting friend who has no idea his emails are no longer a two way conversation

Yes, I do understand your irritation of the “swagger band wagon”. BUT, you have to remember the history and creation of swag, because in reality not everyone has swagger. And there are different definitions of swagger and those who epitomize it all. No doubt, J has swagger. He has it in his music, the way he dresses, the way he talks, his persona is swaggered out. Common has a swagger, kanye, 3000… you KNOW they have swagger. BUT now everyone is trying to capitalize on the idea of swagger. Swagger in essence, is a form of inherent cockiness that someone might have because they are just THAT good… BUT to get the swag… people have to also be able to see it. THAT is when you have swagger. But I will agree with you, swagger is being abused. WTF? TI MIGHT have a lil swagger… ONLY because he is short and insignificant and he presents himself with a certain aura of I’m not sure exactly what, but I still believed him when he said I could have whatever I like. Similar to weezy F baby (please say the baby). BUT I would say their swaggerdom is definitely on a different level than others… a lower level… one that DOES NOT cover all bases of swagger-ness. So you see , yes I understand the thought of everyone claiming swagger is not appealing… but you have to remember swagger in it’s most purest form. So ONLY be offended of being accused of having swagger if that person is a wayne head.


My friend Terrell says, "I think 3k is the most swaggerly person on the planet. But with him I wouldn't say it's cockiness, it's his extreme humbleness combined with something..."

Which possibly is what epitomizes it all... respect for the game.





That is all.

Sorry, I'm going on a tangent. Oh wait. My life IS on a tangent.

Sometimes I find myself in conversation with a friend, talking about our careers, men, friends, family, life, whatever comes to mind. Sometimes I find myself dominating the conversation. At this point I apologize for going on a tangent. But then I realize, "my life IS a tangent" (thanks Anu). My stories never have an ending because they are a continuous tangent of something that should have ended a long time ago. I am a Sagittarius in all aspects of the meaning, thanks to my cousin Anna, I understand this fire sign, which has either blessed or cursed me (give me a couple years to figure that out). I have the "peter pan" syndrome, I never want to grow up. I am unmistakably fun and bubbly MOST of the time, especially to those who are on the outside. But because of this, people sense an overwhelming sense of naivety. To top It all off, I want everything NOW and I need a constant change of scenery in my life (interpret that as you wish). So you can see why my life is on a tangent, I'm a spazzy little kid trapped in a twenty-somethings body. There is actually no hope for me or for my mother who has a heart attack every time I tell her my "new" idea for my life (little does she know, I actually have had 5 new ideas since I walked into her house). Or for my friends who have to undoubtedly be the most patient people on earth to listen what man I am into this season and all the drama I have caused (by myself, did I mention I want EVERYTHING now) and how to fix it. Or to my coworkers, who I am sure think I am a lunatic, but still have lunch with me everyday. Or to my cousins, who accept the fact that I am a space cadet.

Sorry, I am going on a tangent.

I just threw up in my mouth a little...

Why is it that women constantly need clarity? Why do we wonder why he's acting this or that way? Why is it we question what's going on? Why are women the ones who think about the future? Why aren't women more like men? Why can't we just go with the flow?

Every woman I have ever come across wonders why. Men always say they'll never figure women out and quite frankly, they're ok with that. Women on the other hand want to know the meaning behind every action, word, touch, kiss and glance. And if we can't figure that out, then dammit, we need to know why we can't. What is it in women that makes us want to know everything? Why can men just go with the flow and are ok with that? I've went with the flow, that current took me down stream, in the wrong direction. Men on the other hand do it daily and are completely satisfied



Why is it that as women we over analyze things and say things that didn't necessarily need to be said? I'm just going to throw this out there, I am DAMN good at saying the wrong things...all of the time. You think there's a moment that can't be ruined? Well I must have not been there, because I have a bad case of word vomit.

Some like to call women like me "planners". I like to think of us as "clarifiers". But getting clarity on life is sometimes unnecessary. Do you really need to know what your friend is wearing tonight? No. Because chances are you're going to be wearing the same thing you planned on wearing. Do you need to know why he's acting this way or that, doing this or that? No.

I want constant clarification. Where are we going? Who's going to be there? How is so and so getting there? Should this be happening? Is this ok?

I can answer all of these questions myself. Same place we've been talking about. It doesn't matter. It's not your business. It's already happening, get over it. Yes.

Going Dutch with a French

It's a common misconception that when a man asks a man out on a date, it means he's actually going to pay for anything. In the generation of "chillin", "kickin it"or my personal favorite "watching a movie", it is understandable how an entire gender could get the whole dating thing wrong. I guess men now get credit for JUST asking a woman out on a date.

Women and men in their early twenties are used to being broke, TOGETHER. But now that we're both raking in the dough (I use "raking" loosely, as in I don't eat ramen for dinner 5 times a week) it's time for that transition. Where men have to be men. I mean we're not asking for a marriage proposal on the first date, we're asking to avoid the awkwardness of the moment between the last bite and when the bill has arrived. Just grab the damn check and please, if for some reason the woman says "oh, I can pay for my meal" (if you listen closely this is said very unenthusiastically), do NOT say ok. Because she does NOT want to pay. She wants you to say "no, I have it" (preferably said VERY enthusiastically). Even if she offers to pay the tip, it's still a N-O. Wait until the um-teenth date when you two are out for ice cream or something really cheap to even consider this.

If you can't afford dinner, then don't ask us to dinner. Take the poor girl to the Museum or the botanical gardens, aka, free.

And girls, whatever you do, don't go dutch with a Frenchie. It's just wrong.

Hoe, sit DOWN!

Tyra... STOP IT, NOW.

Seriously, do we need yet ANOTHER reason why Republicans can find a reason to find Obama "un-fit" for presidency. I mean I love Tyra and all, but she has taken it too far. You don't see Heidi Klum taking photos as Hillary Clinton or McCain's main squeeze? Tyra, you're fabulous and all, love Top Model, but seriously, you're not helping. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I've seen her talk show a couple times and watched her sit there and carry on a conversation about a subject she in no way relates too. I know you want to help people honey, but telling the obese, kleptos and fugos that you can relate is just wrong... as is this photo. The last thing Michelle needs is the supermodel stereotype hovering in its oh so radiant and perfect light, around her.

thanks for trying.

My life...thank you urbandictionary.com and thank you Anna

Me...on any given day. My phone knows waaaaay too much about me.

Textpectation

The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

Once again, me, on any given day.

flirtationship

When you regularly flirt with an acquaintance or friend but do no more.

So, my friend went to Convention

Ask me about convention and I can tell you exactly what i think it is. Convention is an annual event where East Indians network and find potential suitors, wives and overall LOVAHS. I can picture a HUGE crowd of beautiful brown people all looking for that special something in someone--that or a good lay (ew. sorry that was raunchy).

Seriously, my friend landed in NY and instantly texted me, "if I get hit on at Convention as many times as I have at this airport, I'm getting laid by Tuesday". Point proven. I hope she finds some meat she likes.

Anyway, convention happened...and I'm waiting to hear what it's ACTUALLY like. I'm just going to throw this out there... I bet you there were no elephants. *sigh. i love elephants.

I'M JOINING THE CONVENT!!!!!

Ok, well not really. But dammit, feminism and the whole sexual revolution that came along with it really messed things up for me. That whole saying,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", is pretty much my reality.

I'm a realist, I can understand this. Why deal with this spoiled broad when you can get a puttana for free (oops, did I say that?!)? Yes, some have accused me of being spoiled. I call it having expectations, please don't get it twisted. I mean, since when did courting a girl go out of style? Oh yea. Ha! How could I be so silly? Chivalry was no longer a requirement when all the girls started giving it up as a statement that women were in as much control of their sexuality as men. No disrespect to all the Samantha Jones', but f***, you're kind of ruining my life. Maybe I can propose a treaty?

Hello, my name is Erica and I am an insomniac.

So, I have this problem-- I don't sleep. I'm really tired, my eyes are heavy, my body is limp and yet, I can't for the LIFE OF ME fall asleep at night. On Friday, I actually took a sleeping pill and chased it with chamomile tea...at 5:30 am. Mind you I had just went out for a guys night (It's this new thing I've been doing since my girlfriends are LAME...and I KNOW every one of you are reading this) and threw back a few with the fellas (I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em), so in retrospect I should have been fresh meat for that unrelenting slumber. But no, no I wasn't. Guess I've been an insomniac too long to have the dream world even take a second glance at me. So instead I'm left with a sleeping pill to chase with chamomile tea. Needless to say, I think I have a problem.

UGH. I am SO over it.

Things I am over:

1. G, The Wacker and Special K
2. BIG
3. Fake facades
4. WORK!!!!!
5. facebook (ok, not really. but i hate that i love it)
6. Jar Jar Binks
7. My knee
8. Anu not answering my calls
9. Franzdiego not being in my life
10. Anna living in a different state
11. Minnesota
12. chipped nails (eh. so mine are chipped today, but dammit...never again!)
13. Sushi-- I don't like it and I NEVER will...deal with it!
14. Portal Potties
15. Washing Dishes
16. Body Hair
17. Men who don't wear cologne (I know, I know, I'm obsessing now)


18. The New Yorker (seriously, not ok, I don't agree it's journalism or as they claim..."satire")
19. 7
20. Rain
21. people who don't know how to drive
22. Icky feet
23. Being confused but too shy to do anything about it
24. Self righteous hippies (granola eaters)
25. wrinkles (I don't have any, but one day I probably will (GOD IT HURTS TO SAY) and I will be over it then, I'm just thinking ahead)
26. Student Loans
27. Being an adult
28. Watching people walk out of a stall and DON'T wash their hands. I mean come on--really?!
29. Fat Luke
30. Negative people. SO over them.

Just in case I didn't call and let you know yesterday...

I have a work ethic. It's been awhile since I've had one-- so long I actually thought I didn't have one. But the past couple days I've stayed late at work! I KNOW right?! I guess that's what happens when you actually start to like your job. Weird. I even called my mom. Needless to say, she was proud...well at least that's what I took the unwavering silence for. I think I'll get her a bumper sticker that says "my daughter has a work ethic and your kid sucks". =)

excuse me, but i like the smell of man.

I just thought everyone should know I appreciate when a man smells good. I know I have a ridiculously strong sense of smell, but what can I say, I know a good man smell. Now I'm not talking outdoor man smell, ew, gross. I'm talking your soap has a clean, fresh, invigorating scent. Hell, my ex had some great smelling deodorant, can't lie. I mean even Axe (yes, I'm a bit ashamed) gets me! It's just such a waste when men smell like NOTHING. Like really? Do you not want me to remember you? Because as quick as I can be interested I can lose interest (thank you A.D.D.). Really, it's as simple as that, bathing. But then there are those who, wait for it, wear cologne! O.M.G.! Crazy right?! My friend, I'll call him Mose, for the sake of him getting extremely embarrassed (although I'm sure it's not a secret), he smells amazing at all times. Can other guys get on HIS LEVEL?

Thanks in advance.

I wanna make love in this club... oh wait. i did. 9 months ago.

AN ODE TO PREGNANT WOMEN

IN THE CLUB

It's just wrong. I don't care. When you start showing and you're in the club...dammit, it's just wrong. Now I'm not saying pregnant women don't know how to get down because we all know they DID get down, obviously. I mean you wouldn't bring your 3 year-old to the club, why would you EVER bring your unborn fetus to the club. Well, let me take some of that back, because if you're not showing and you're a couple of months along, I don't see why you can't go to the bar and have a club soda with some friends (I may think that because I'm 23 and I am NOT ready to give up my drinking habits). But when you're tummy starts sticking out farther then your backside, your swollen toes are gushing...not peeping out of your peep toes, your glow is over shadowed by the sweaty broad's next to you and the guy standing behind you asks if your pantene pro-v like hair (thank you pre-natal vitamins) is really yours, it's time to go home mami.

promise not to tell...

but i think i might have a crush on lloyd. don't laugh. i'm not sure. it could be his hair that i have a crush on. i mean seriously. i think he may deep condition more than me. maybe because i am in heart with this song. but i think it's probably because i want to be painted silver and have lights in my eyes. and maybe a little of the before mentioned. either way i am now in heart with lloyd.

sorry for letting you down.

Every year Juneteenth, Every year somebody gets shot.

"Three people were injured by gunfire at the Juneteenth Festival in Theodore Wirth Park in Minneapolis on Saturday. The tragedy of the shooting threatens to play into corporate media stereotypes of black violence and gang activity, overshadowing this celebration of the end of slavery in the United States. "

-Twin Cities Indy Media

Blatantly obvious. Maybe somebody will actually cancel Juneteenth, or maybe (I'm just throwing some obviously CRAZY ideas out there) do something different to commemorate the end of slavery since it wasn't just black people getting shot this time. Maybe someone will realize guns see no color but always lead to the self destruction and mutilation of a community. Maybe because these wounds have punctured their own, someone will finally put an end to a tradition that no longer commemorates a monumental time in history, but now commemorates an annual perpetuation of stereotypes of the black community.

In the end, something needs to change. Vendors should stop supporting an event that is no longer giving people a sense of community to those whose ancestral lines were literally stolen and individual history has long been erased, an event that is stripping a community of its entitlement to celebrate a historical event in which signified the beginning of a long and ongoing struggle to obtain their inalienable rights.

Money is power after all. If vendors stop renting booths IN THE NAME OF CHANGE, maybe somebody will actually take notice.

It's too bad maybe has to litter my head.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program...

if i had a lot of money i'd name my kid after a fruit...

So my search is over, I know what my next step in life is, a baby. Seriously, I think it's the thing to do. A few weeks ago my girlfriends and I went to a picnic and one by one everyone arrived pregers or with a kid. Although,I do have to hand it to those bold individuals who chose to test the obviously sick and twisted humor of the gods and arrived with their slobbering pooch. Good for them.

Now don't get me wrong I heart kids, but DAMN, when did this happen? When did I reach the age when having kids wasn't taboo but looked upon as just the next step? Because I'm pretty sure I've done some semi-positive and semi-memorable things thus far and what do I get? Somebody's adorable, bundle of joy that makes you forget about all the hate in the world. HOW the h-e-double hockey sticks am I suppose to compete with that? I mean I could win the Nobel Prize and I'm positive my mom would be like, "So, have you been on a date lately? You know every month you're wasting an egg."


I now know what I must do. Instead of waiting for this Mr. Right to come along that everyone keeps telling me about, I will win the lottery, go to the minute clinic (I mean I really don't have time to go to the sperm bank, they HAVE to be able to do it there) and knock myself up. Then I'll be rich, with child, pop that sucker out and call it Pear (not to be confused with Apple).

oops, I think I'm kind of in heart with you now

Sometimes you have hot friends.

Sometimes you are on the rebound.

Sometimes you realize you on the rebound+hot friend=default crush.

At which point, do not pass go and do not collect (if you know what I mean). Sometimes your friend isn't even that hot (doesn't matter, don't collect). And other times, your default crush is neither hot or your friend. Either way, the latter is probably the best.

But then again, if Common was my friend, screw the rules. GOT DAMN I'd have his babies.

that is all.

Sleep Gropers Annonymous

It has come to my attention after numerous AIM conversations, phone calls and texts from friends of BOTH sexes, there is a serious disorder that is plaguing our generation and you should probably be informed (you can thank me later).

Sleep groping by definition is when two or more people (we don't judge here) lay, stand or sit next to each other while in an undisputed dormant state and more often than not, are not in anyway "official". One party, while still in the state of sugar plum fairies dancing in their head, might cop a feel, rub you down, feel you up or stroke you sideways (I heard that one the other day, still not sure what that means, but we'll go with it).

Now OF COURSE anybody in their right mind wakes up startled and utterly confused as to why this person has went THERE. This is common especially among the: "It's not even like that", "We're just friends (now)", "We're not even together(now)". This my friends and hoes, is a classic case of sleep groping. We've all been there, waking up perplexed, perhaps given a false sense of a non-existent interest from the offender.

Just remember kids, there is NO underlying meaning, your friendship did not bloom into a sultry romance novel and you did not rekindle that flame.

If you have not yet experienced sleep groping, well then, GOD SPEED. Because inevitably, it will happen one day and on that day, do not fret, do not worry that pretty little head of yours, because you have been warned and given the tools to overcome this very powerful and frightening disorder.