I wanna make love in this club... oh wait. i did. 9 months ago.

AN ODE TO PREGNANT WOMEN

IN THE CLUB

It's just wrong. I don't care. When you start showing and you're in the club...dammit, it's just wrong. Now I'm not saying pregnant women don't know how to get down because we all know they DID get down, obviously. I mean you wouldn't bring your 3 year-old to the club, why would you EVER bring your unborn fetus to the club. Well, let me take some of that back, because if you're not showing and you're a couple of months along, I don't see why you can't go to the bar and have a club soda with some friends (I may think that because I'm 23 and I am NOT ready to give up my drinking habits). But when you're tummy starts sticking out farther then your backside, your swollen toes are gushing...not peeping out of your peep toes, your glow is over shadowed by the sweaty broad's next to you and the guy standing behind you asks if your pantene pro-v like hair (thank you pre-natal vitamins) is really yours, it's time to go home mami.

promise not to tell...

but i think i might have a crush on lloyd. don't laugh. i'm not sure. it could be his hair that i have a crush on. i mean seriously. i think he may deep condition more than me. maybe because i am in heart with this song. but i think it's probably because i want to be painted silver and have lights in my eyes. and maybe a little of the before mentioned. either way i am now in heart with lloyd.

sorry for letting you down.

Every year Juneteenth, Every year somebody gets shot.

"Three people were injured by gunfire at the Juneteenth Festival in Theodore Wirth Park in Minneapolis on Saturday. The tragedy of the shooting threatens to play into corporate media stereotypes of black violence and gang activity, overshadowing this celebration of the end of slavery in the United States. "

-Twin Cities Indy Media

Blatantly obvious. Maybe somebody will actually cancel Juneteenth, or maybe (I'm just throwing some obviously CRAZY ideas out there) do something different to commemorate the end of slavery since it wasn't just black people getting shot this time. Maybe someone will realize guns see no color but always lead to the self destruction and mutilation of a community. Maybe because these wounds have punctured their own, someone will finally put an end to a tradition that no longer commemorates a monumental time in history, but now commemorates an annual perpetuation of stereotypes of the black community.

In the end, something needs to change. Vendors should stop supporting an event that is no longer giving people a sense of community to those whose ancestral lines were literally stolen and individual history has long been erased, an event that is stripping a community of its entitlement to celebrate a historical event in which signified the beginning of a long and ongoing struggle to obtain their inalienable rights.

Money is power after all. If vendors stop renting booths IN THE NAME OF CHANGE, maybe somebody will actually take notice.

It's too bad maybe has to litter my head.

And now back to your regularly scheduled program...

if i had a lot of money i'd name my kid after a fruit...

So my search is over, I know what my next step in life is, a baby. Seriously, I think it's the thing to do. A few weeks ago my girlfriends and I went to a picnic and one by one everyone arrived pregers or with a kid. Although,I do have to hand it to those bold individuals who chose to test the obviously sick and twisted humor of the gods and arrived with their slobbering pooch. Good for them.

Now don't get me wrong I heart kids, but DAMN, when did this happen? When did I reach the age when having kids wasn't taboo but looked upon as just the next step? Because I'm pretty sure I've done some semi-positive and semi-memorable things thus far and what do I get? Somebody's adorable, bundle of joy that makes you forget about all the hate in the world. HOW the h-e-double hockey sticks am I suppose to compete with that? I mean I could win the Nobel Prize and I'm positive my mom would be like, "So, have you been on a date lately? You know every month you're wasting an egg."


I now know what I must do. Instead of waiting for this Mr. Right to come along that everyone keeps telling me about, I will win the lottery, go to the minute clinic (I mean I really don't have time to go to the sperm bank, they HAVE to be able to do it there) and knock myself up. Then I'll be rich, with child, pop that sucker out and call it Pear (not to be confused with Apple).

oops, I think I'm kind of in heart with you now

Sometimes you have hot friends.

Sometimes you are on the rebound.

Sometimes you realize you on the rebound+hot friend=default crush.

At which point, do not pass go and do not collect (if you know what I mean). Sometimes your friend isn't even that hot (doesn't matter, don't collect). And other times, your default crush is neither hot or your friend. Either way, the latter is probably the best.

But then again, if Common was my friend, screw the rules. GOT DAMN I'd have his babies.

that is all.

Sleep Gropers Annonymous

It has come to my attention after numerous AIM conversations, phone calls and texts from friends of BOTH sexes, there is a serious disorder that is plaguing our generation and you should probably be informed (you can thank me later).

Sleep groping by definition is when two or more people (we don't judge here) lay, stand or sit next to each other while in an undisputed dormant state and more often than not, are not in anyway "official". One party, while still in the state of sugar plum fairies dancing in their head, might cop a feel, rub you down, feel you up or stroke you sideways (I heard that one the other day, still not sure what that means, but we'll go with it).

Now OF COURSE anybody in their right mind wakes up startled and utterly confused as to why this person has went THERE. This is common especially among the: "It's not even like that", "We're just friends (now)", "We're not even together(now)". This my friends and hoes, is a classic case of sleep groping. We've all been there, waking up perplexed, perhaps given a false sense of a non-existent interest from the offender.

Just remember kids, there is NO underlying meaning, your friendship did not bloom into a sultry romance novel and you did not rekindle that flame.

If you have not yet experienced sleep groping, well then, GOD SPEED. Because inevitably, it will happen one day and on that day, do not fret, do not worry that pretty little head of yours, because you have been warned and given the tools to overcome this very powerful and frightening disorder.