Married Men (Part I)

I cut hair...mostly men's hair. A couple months ago, a hot guy by the name of "Mike" sat in my chair, and bit his lip at our reflection in the mirror. He made a comment about the book I was reading and we had a GREAT convo about sashimi, Spain, and his work. Mike and I were kind of guffawing, and it took me 26 minutes to cut his faceted style. He was so attractive in that guy next door way, but charmed me like a veteran. I have a few microlittleteeny questions I ask when wondering if a customer is single, "So do you have any kids getting ready for school?" Mike looked me in the mirror, slowly blinked, "Yea....two." Damn...

For me, the wall goes up and unlike Berlin, won't come down. I would not, nor HAVE not entertained the idea of a wedded man. It's an instinctive thing, where I snap and go, "Aw shucks" like Michelle on Full House. I would freak the f out if some broad, who was touching my husband's head, had the nerve to hit on him-while knowing damn well. So Mike, aware that he totally unplugged the turntables on THAT delightful basement party, left with hair 3/4 of an inch shorter, tipped me 50%, and gave me a tightlipped smile (I raised my eyebrows in a response that said, "No chance dude".)

On a typical work day, I was cutting a 4 year old's hair, trying to convince him that pickles and marshmallows are great on pizza. (Seeing horrified expressions on kids' faces NEVER gets old for me.) Mike walked in, and I got nervous thinking, I had just SEEN this guy-did I mess his neckline up? Did I overcharge him? Hold up-Was he checking me out?! After traumatizing the little boy who loved pepperoni, Chris walked over to my chair, "I called to make sure you'd be here. How have you been? I bought that book you had, I've got a quarter left of it to finish." Understand that this book is OLD, it is NOT a bestseller, and that it's not THAT frickin good. Totally weirded out, I said, "Oh-you actually bought it on Ebay? Yeaaa....so you were here like only 3 wks ago, which means I need to just take like a quarter off the top, 3 on the sides again?" He turned away from the mirror, looked me in the face and said, "Do what you did last time (dimple dimple), it was perfect." Man, he was kinda creepy, but kinda good....

With a stern look on my face, I asked, "Does your son have hair as thick as yours?" Undiscouraged this time, "Nah-his hair's like his mom's, blonde and really fine. YOU have pretty thick hair, huh? I really like how it's all wet and curly this time..." ("This ol cocker spaniel swag? Mike, you so crazy!...I mean: AW SHUCKS like MichellefromFullHouse-shit!)A few fake snips here, some extra combing there, insert some "SNAP-OUT-OF-IT" moments, and we were done. He pulled on me what Bradley Cooper's fine ass pulled on Scarlett Johannsen in "He's Just Not that Into You". Mike's charm had me CURIOUS.

I pulled his name up in the computer, and before I cut his hair, for the last 2 years, Mike had been getting his haircut every 6 weeks like clockwork-WHICH WAS HALF THE TIME HE WAITED WITH ME. Hair doesn't all of a sudden grow faster! Oh God, this father of two KIDS was totally out of line, and I REFUSED to be Scarlett in the closet! Right?! Right....it's been three weeks since and I'm wary whenever that front door opens...but I've always got lip gloss on.

I'm 27 years old.

The week of my 25th birthday, I cried. Every. Day. My mother was married at a quarter of a century, and at the time I felt so far behind...At that age, my mom joined my dad in a new country which she had no idea about. They had 2 pans, a mattress, and each other. I felt that I could never be brave or motivated enough to do such a thing.

At 26 I was fresh out of a relationship, in beauty school, and had gained some definite poundage in the waist. Again I was so obsessed correlating relationships, with success and happiness. Recently everyone in the world (at least on Facebook) is getting engaged or has 42 albums full of shiny weddings. My friends and family would warn each other with texts of, "God, can you guess who ELSE found the love of their frickin life?". "Ugh that bitch doesn't deserve HAPPINESS."

I woke up at 27, and felt NEW. I felt like I have one chance to make this round worth it. I'm not that big into destiny, or optimism for that matter, but I actually have FAITH that what is MEANT to be will happen some day. If I'm meant to become a Golden Girl with my sister, who talks about her 4 labradoodles, and eats Goulash everyday, so be it. If I marry a hottie, talk about breast pumps, and buy Happy Meals cuz I'm too lazy, so be it. Now I could USE somebody (somebodaaaaayyy-someonelikeuuuuuuuuuu), but I don't have that NEED for anybody. I feel fresh as a daisy...love me or love me not! I will put myself out there this year, take risks, do right by my environment, and take risks.

I sincerely don't REMEMBER feeling calm about my situation. It's kinda fabulous.

Top 5 Fall Style Points as I type in my jammies...at 2PM...on my birthday...jeesh.

KATE MOSS & RHIANNA: There is SO much to be said about NOT coordinating everything. How effortless and chic is Kate Moss? She's the muse for so many because she is so forward, and never looks like she spent over 15 min getting ready. Matching everylittlething is dated. With age Moss gets more and more simple. Rhianna is quite different from the latter queen, but can inspire in a totally different way. She pairs punk with lace...was the first to wear the gladiator heels, and can NOT be boxed in. Variety can be enjoyed in your closet, as well as your KFC bucket.

BASICS: I recently bought a pack of Hanes Men's T-shirts, and have been wearing them every day. This may be derived from my uniform clad childhood, but I love how simple and bright my face looks with white cotton. The v-neck somehow makes me look thinner, and seriously-men glance when you look confident in something loose. Someone at Macy's asked me if the shirt was JAMES PERSE!!!!! (MUA- AH AH AH AH AHH evil laugh) Leggings are great for yet another season (phew!), as well as cardigans-which I need to get my hands on. Classics will never fail you as long as you dress them to the SEASON!

BLUSH & LIPSTICK: Cheeks were tawny and contoured at Fashion Week. If you are not wearing bronzer or blush everyday, DO IT! Elizabeth Hurley insists that blush is the cosmetic she can't live without-if she's not a babe, I dunno who is! It makes you look like you LOVE your life. Thank heavens, lipstick is BACK! Wines, Reds, and cool Pinks are all the rage...but understand they must be MATTE. Anything else is garish and makes you look like a hooker. Blush can be worn without lipstick, however lipstick MUST be worn with a blush/bronzer. Starkness is so Shannen Doherty circa 90210. If using a lipliner, for the love of Gucci, please use a nude lipliner, or Outline and FILL IN with the pencil. There is nothing tackier than seeing a line around the mouth by 11:30! Nude glosses are still in and are the only thing to be paired with the smokey eye. (I wish my last name was Kardashian)

HAIR: Texture-Simple updos-Hairspray! Oh My! Try getting your hair razored the next time you get a trim. Ask for the stylist to thin out the bottom 1/3 length of your hair-it'll give you the ends that you see on great hair. Get bangs! Try short layers! Experiment! I sucked it up and have bronze and blonde streaks, and I'm SO glad I did it! Use DRY hairspray for EVERYTHING-esp updos. It allows you to build and build without getting drippy or crunchy-I love Air Control by Aveda.

VALUE OPINIONS: I listen when my little sister takes a head to toe look at me, and says, "Hanesy, you can not wear that". Despite my initial hurt outcries/defenses, I believe one must always heed the advice of those younger, BECAUSE they are younger. They are ahead of you and I when it comes to style. In general: they are blunt, realize how old you are, and are vain enough to not want to be seen with one so out of touch. This is NOT to be confused with wearing clothes that you are too old for. Wet Seal and Aeropostale are meant for tweens-look at how old the models are in the ads. While in the que, if those in front AND behind you, are talking about Homecoming-drop the hangers and RUN! For instance my celeb style obsession is Joy Bryant. She's my age, and looks like herself in whatever she wears-AND is styled by Rachel Zoe. In other words-EVERYONE can use a second opinion every now and then, despite your own diagnosis.

Indian Rockstars

This commercial CRACKS me up in so many ways. This man looks like he could be my uncle, from the parted hair, to the mooooosetache. It's been for how long that Indians have been making other executives look great?! I love how the stereotype is made fun of, even the term "rockstar". It's "simbly vunderful". Talk smack about how we own Quick E-Marts all you want, but the truth is 1 out of 4 doctors in America, is Indian....the joke isn't so funny when you're lying on a stretcher is it? FYI-my people are raining on you hoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqLPHrCQr2I

Don't make me get technical with the Coach...

This is going to get me in some boiling water, but honey, call me chamomile! I'm ready to steep!

WHY, oh WHY the hell do you have that FUGLY Coach purse? Do you realize that Coach was created for the resort visiting retiree in her 50's? This is why our MOTHERS want them. WHO decided that monogram was chic? What is interesting about these patterns, and do they really go with everything? Be real, you want one because the bitch higher than you, had one.

If you want a Chanel purse but dress in blingy colors, and enjoy rhinestones, you should saw a phalange off. Chanel is created for those who wear all black everything, black cars, black cards, all black everything (HOV!)...and those who wear diamonds and pearls (Prince Rogers Nelson!). Think Audrey Hepburn or Anne Hathaway. SIMPLE. COVERED. CLASSIC.

If you have a Louis Vuitton wristlet, but don't know the impact of Marc Jacobs on footwear, jump into ongoing traffic. Louis is about fantasy and rarely can a person pull it off. Rhianna. Kerry Washington. Think PARIS. ALIENS. FLUSHED CHEEKS. What I'm trying to understand, is why YOU would want something that you have NO IDEA ABOUT? Look deep inside yourself and ask why a handbag makes you feel higher on the food chain.

Finally. If you MATCH your brown Coach purse, to your brown knee high boots (gag), to your Coach belt, to your coffee eyeshadow (pang in the chest), to your bronze lipstick, do me a favor. Off yourself. Don't be a "Cool Mom"...

And yes. I am an overread fashion snot. At least I don't believe my handbag improves my status in the world...that is all.

Can I get a "HEADS UP"?!

Why didn't anyone tell me that people buy houses and get married in real life? My life. Real life. I wish someone could have given me a heads up that this stuff really does happen. Where were the people that give other people heads up?! I mean, I could have possibly restrained myself from running up credit cards in college or maybe even dated worthwhile-ers. But no. The heads up people didn't even give me a clue that these things could happen. Great. SO now I'm left with bad credit and a gagillion years until the day I get married. Thanks a lot jerk faces. I am making a citizens arrest on all of you heads up people because you suck at your job and therefor life.

Seriously. When did this whole "grown-up" thing come into full effect? Was I too busy deciding whether or not I could wear a shirt as a dress (which I NO LONGER do. Thank YOU. I was in college getting more bang for my buck. Think 2-in-1)?Where was I when everyone decided to grow up?! Oh wait. I remember. I was wherever on God's green earth American Express was accepted, bashing men, vowing to never let a man bring me down with that ludicrous "love" bullshit. I remember.

Point is, everywhere I look (facebook) someone is getting engaged, having a slutty bachelorette party (a completely different post in itself), tying the knot or entering a 30+ year commitment, aka, buying a house. Who would have thought--we all turn into married, home-owning, baby-loving, grown-up versions of ourselves? No really, I'm asking you a question.

Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do; I have money to make and whatever it is you to do to get someone to marry you. First I think I need to go shopping. My clothes do NOT say "money-maker"- "marry me". Well they say "money maker", but it's not exactly the look I'm going for. Wish me luck and money! Lawd knows I need all the help I can get.

money. marry.

money. marry.

money. marry.

marry. money.

whoops.

Day 52 3/4

A day in the life of E.Torres

7am wake up!
Correction, I didn't really wake up as much as I had my eyes closed for most of the night. I don't think I fell asleep.

7:20 am Neti Pot
Oh how I love thee. You allow me to breathe through my nose for .5 seconds of the day. If you have allergies, peep the Neti pot. TRUST me. I will accept your gratitude in advance.


8:10am what you know about public transportation.
Caught the train to my work study at Zenon Dance Company. I'm pursuing my dance dreams. Ok, not really. Honestly, I don't have enough guts to do so. But I'm embarking on a free dance class journey. I felt a little Flash Dance like. I opened up the studios and swept the floors. I was all alone in front of mirrors, me and the broom. I looked out the windows to people with day jobs downtown. Ugh. My life is such a movie. This will more than likely happen next week before people anyone gets there



9:30 am Allergies.
So I have this God AWFUL thing called allergies. All I have to say is Fuck YOU allergies. I can't wear contacts currently. Any guesses why?! Allergies are the Devil

10:15am Peace Out Work Study
I had to cut out early, my contacts were painfully and slowly killing my eyes. If this is any sign of my dance dreams I am screwed. Oh wait, I don't have any.

10:30am Walking Home
Why is it that scary men sit under bridges? I mean they must know they look scary, WHY do they insist on chilling in the dark corners of a particularly bright day?

11:00am-5:00pm Lost Time
I honestly have NO idea what I did during this time. I only recall laying in front of the fan, positive I should go to the hospital.

5:20 pm Phone call
B-money called. Why is he teaching class and not at home? I am dying. I told him I was. He had to go-- students were arriving.

6:05 pm Still at Home
No Hospital

6:10 pm Phone Call
Rosie called. I told her I had the H-1. She told me to take my temp. No temp. No H-1.

6:45pm Phone Call
Huong called me. I told her about my recent near death experience earlier.

7:00 pm Nourishment
Stopped feeling like death for 20 minutes and picked up some Wonton Soup

7:45 pm Yum
Need I say more?

8:00 pm "The Office"
I had to catch up so I'd be ready for next season.

8:05 pm Slowly Melting
Apparently Wonton soup doesn't have a lasting "feel better" effect. I am back on the path to complete sickness.


9:05 pm VMAs
I didn't get to watch B's performance. "Put your hands in his FACE...Where my ring at?"
Thank you Beyonce for those words of wisdom. I however, would like my man to WANT to marry me. I'm just saying. I still love you though

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

9:15 pm Ugh
Kanye WHY are you such a dick?!

10:47pm God SPEED
I put my trust in you Neti. Sweet Dreams.

The Jobless Monster

Day 52

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was 24. She hated her job.It hated her. It tried to kill her soul and rip out her heart. She liked her coworkers. They pretty much loved her. The job paid the bills. She had a lot of bills. She got called into an "important" meeting. Getting laid-off is important enough. She still doesn't have a job. She still has bills. Obama gives her an extra $25 just for being cool and laid-off (until December 2009). She dances in front of the mirror instead of applying for jobs. Sometimes she dances in front of mirrors with other people. People like to call them dance classes.