Indian Rockstars

This commercial CRACKS me up in so many ways. This man looks like he could be my uncle, from the parted hair, to the mooooosetache. It's been for how long that Indians have been making other executives look great?! I love how the stereotype is made fun of, even the term "rockstar". It's "simbly vunderful". Talk smack about how we own Quick E-Marts all you want, but the truth is 1 out of 4 doctors in America, is Indian....the joke isn't so funny when you're lying on a stretcher is it? FYI-my people are raining on you hoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqLPHrCQr2I

Don't make me get technical with the Coach...

This is going to get me in some boiling water, but honey, call me chamomile! I'm ready to steep!

WHY, oh WHY the hell do you have that FUGLY Coach purse? Do you realize that Coach was created for the resort visiting retiree in her 50's? This is why our MOTHERS want them. WHO decided that monogram was chic? What is interesting about these patterns, and do they really go with everything? Be real, you want one because the bitch higher than you, had one.

If you want a Chanel purse but dress in blingy colors, and enjoy rhinestones, you should saw a phalange off. Chanel is created for those who wear all black everything, black cars, black cards, all black everything (HOV!)...and those who wear diamonds and pearls (Prince Rogers Nelson!). Think Audrey Hepburn or Anne Hathaway. SIMPLE. COVERED. CLASSIC.

If you have a Louis Vuitton wristlet, but don't know the impact of Marc Jacobs on footwear, jump into ongoing traffic. Louis is about fantasy and rarely can a person pull it off. Rhianna. Kerry Washington. Think PARIS. ALIENS. FLUSHED CHEEKS. What I'm trying to understand, is why YOU would want something that you have NO IDEA ABOUT? Look deep inside yourself and ask why a handbag makes you feel higher on the food chain.

Finally. If you MATCH your brown Coach purse, to your brown knee high boots (gag), to your Coach belt, to your coffee eyeshadow (pang in the chest), to your bronze lipstick, do me a favor. Off yourself. Don't be a "Cool Mom"...

And yes. I am an overread fashion snot. At least I don't believe my handbag improves my status in the world...that is all.

Can I get a "HEADS UP"?!

Why didn't anyone tell me that people buy houses and get married in real life? My life. Real life. I wish someone could have given me a heads up that this stuff really does happen. Where were the people that give other people heads up?! I mean, I could have possibly restrained myself from running up credit cards in college or maybe even dated worthwhile-ers. But no. The heads up people didn't even give me a clue that these things could happen. Great. SO now I'm left with bad credit and a gagillion years until the day I get married. Thanks a lot jerk faces. I am making a citizens arrest on all of you heads up people because you suck at your job and therefor life.

Seriously. When did this whole "grown-up" thing come into full effect? Was I too busy deciding whether or not I could wear a shirt as a dress (which I NO LONGER do. Thank YOU. I was in college getting more bang for my buck. Think 2-in-1)?Where was I when everyone decided to grow up?! Oh wait. I remember. I was wherever on God's green earth American Express was accepted, bashing men, vowing to never let a man bring me down with that ludicrous "love" bullshit. I remember.

Point is, everywhere I look (facebook) someone is getting engaged, having a slutty bachelorette party (a completely different post in itself), tying the knot or entering a 30+ year commitment, aka, buying a house. Who would have thought--we all turn into married, home-owning, baby-loving, grown-up versions of ourselves? No really, I'm asking you a question.

Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do; I have money to make and whatever it is you to do to get someone to marry you. First I think I need to go shopping. My clothes do NOT say "money-maker"- "marry me". Well they say "money maker", but it's not exactly the look I'm going for. Wish me luck and money! Lawd knows I need all the help I can get.

money. marry.

money. marry.

money. marry.

marry. money.

whoops.

Day 52 3/4

A day in the life of E.Torres

7am wake up!
Correction, I didn't really wake up as much as I had my eyes closed for most of the night. I don't think I fell asleep.

7:20 am Neti Pot
Oh how I love thee. You allow me to breathe through my nose for .5 seconds of the day. If you have allergies, peep the Neti pot. TRUST me. I will accept your gratitude in advance.


8:10am what you know about public transportation.
Caught the train to my work study at Zenon Dance Company. I'm pursuing my dance dreams. Ok, not really. Honestly, I don't have enough guts to do so. But I'm embarking on a free dance class journey. I felt a little Flash Dance like. I opened up the studios and swept the floors. I was all alone in front of mirrors, me and the broom. I looked out the windows to people with day jobs downtown. Ugh. My life is such a movie. This will more than likely happen next week before people anyone gets there



9:30 am Allergies.
So I have this God AWFUL thing called allergies. All I have to say is Fuck YOU allergies. I can't wear contacts currently. Any guesses why?! Allergies are the Devil

10:15am Peace Out Work Study
I had to cut out early, my contacts were painfully and slowly killing my eyes. If this is any sign of my dance dreams I am screwed. Oh wait, I don't have any.

10:30am Walking Home
Why is it that scary men sit under bridges? I mean they must know they look scary, WHY do they insist on chilling in the dark corners of a particularly bright day?

11:00am-5:00pm Lost Time
I honestly have NO idea what I did during this time. I only recall laying in front of the fan, positive I should go to the hospital.

5:20 pm Phone call
B-money called. Why is he teaching class and not at home? I am dying. I told him I was. He had to go-- students were arriving.

6:05 pm Still at Home
No Hospital

6:10 pm Phone Call
Rosie called. I told her I had the H-1. She told me to take my temp. No temp. No H-1.

6:45pm Phone Call
Huong called me. I told her about my recent near death experience earlier.

7:00 pm Nourishment
Stopped feeling like death for 20 minutes and picked up some Wonton Soup

7:45 pm Yum
Need I say more?

8:00 pm "The Office"
I had to catch up so I'd be ready for next season.

8:05 pm Slowly Melting
Apparently Wonton soup doesn't have a lasting "feel better" effect. I am back on the path to complete sickness.


9:05 pm VMAs
I didn't get to watch B's performance. "Put your hands in his FACE...Where my ring at?"
Thank you Beyonce for those words of wisdom. I however, would like my man to WANT to marry me. I'm just saying. I still love you though

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

9:15 pm Ugh
Kanye WHY are you such a dick?!

10:47pm God SPEED
I put my trust in you Neti. Sweet Dreams.

The Jobless Monster

Day 52

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was 24. She hated her job.It hated her. It tried to kill her soul and rip out her heart. She liked her coworkers. They pretty much loved her. The job paid the bills. She had a lot of bills. She got called into an "important" meeting. Getting laid-off is important enough. She still doesn't have a job. She still has bills. Obama gives her an extra $25 just for being cool and laid-off (until December 2009). She dances in front of the mirror instead of applying for jobs. Sometimes she dances in front of mirrors with other people. People like to call them dance classes.

Hardcore Weave Flippin' and Fake Lash Battin'

Rich Harrison created songs we DO adore-Crazy In Love by Beyonce, 1 Thing by Amerie, Get Right from J-lo...Now the producer has created a 4 woman group who is the hottest package since En Vogue. (yup, I said it) They are classy, beautiful in their own right, and EVERY ONE OF THEM can sing lead...ok...that HASN'T happened since En Vogue. I haven't been this excited for a LONG time....watch this video and you'll be going, "Elektric who?" These chickens work out for FOUR HOURS A DAY....

Here's the link to their video!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLcQFqEKlRw

He Gotta Big Ego (Wait...is that an Express logo?)

You know the type: Nerdy glasses, skinny jeans, bright tennis shoes, with a serious case of Scarfitis. This fake "swag" de la nuevo metros, es NO BUENO! Where have all the beefy men gone?! (Kate Winslet in Titanic floatin on the piece of wood- Come back! whistle whistle Come back!) I pronounce this the Death of the Urban Hipster.

The most hilarious point about these ladymen are their claims of being into fashion...how they're unique...have their own style...when really they've been following every MOVE, LYRIC, THROAT CLEARANCE (ahe ahem), and STYLEPOINT from Jay-Z as quickly as they can. The throwbacks, to the buttonups. Now, the wannabe Hustla, has turned into the wannabe Businessman. For instance, if you are a man whose eyebrows are more precise than mine, claim to be "Kind of a big deal", and have an Express Men logo on your chest...you are what we called in middle school, a fuckin' poser. You never drank cognac til Jay-Z told you to! There's nothing wrong with Express, just don't front like you wanna go to Milan with Yeezy for Fashion Week.

I can't afford Thierry Mugler like Beyonce....but I don't stunt in my Target Go! International as if I'm better than you. I ADMIT my haircolor was inspired by the Beyonce Experience Tour DVD. I DROPPED the eyeliner and went for a nude lip when she did. I WISH I could do the Check on It dance, and I TRY!! I ADMIT that I'm on her jock! The concepts of "Bourgeious" and "Pretentious" do NOT hold correlation with one another. So guys, if you're in the shower chanting, "Ho-VA, Ho-VA!", stand around at Seven talkin about how you're "Doin' Big Things", and still attend college parties: I C U like Abbot Northwestern Hospital (shout out to Mummy)!!!!! For God's sake, find yourself.....
Cuz the Roc is CERTAINLY not in the building.

The Peanut Butter Brickhouse

Ah, hello! Wanting to keep things fresh, Erica America asked me to share my perspective. My name's Anu, and I'm the new co-contributer to JustBelieveMe! We've been BFF's for five years, and talk about high snobiety, relationships, politics, and false eyelashes on the regular. Neither of us will ever turn down a cheeseburger. We care about others, a lot...we're Chatty Cathy's, both brown, and would say that the other woman is stronger (lemme tell ya, that's a lot of muscle).

The differences? E has a BF. I. Do. Not. She sips wine. I chug beer. She's a dreamer...I'm logical. E loves Mary J. Blige, I think she's totally overrated. I love babies, Erica IS a baby =) you get the idea.

I have much to say, am really dramatic, and heart adjectives...I hope my reality allows you to laugh til ya pee, drop your jaw in horror, and offer to be that new thing you learned today.

Oh! And why the name? Well...my skin's the color of Skippy. I always associate the jelly counterpart with stickin' to your ribs and the roof of your mouth (Holding you down, and kinda making you uncomfortable). The old jam, "Brickhouse" by The Commodores is about me....Put your hands together aaaaaaand:

"Shake it down, shake it down nooooow!"

Erica Still Got It.

So, I went to Cali this past weekend-- landed in Sac-town, made my way to Berkeley and eventually San Fran. I ate my $.79/pound cherries (I know right), went to Alcatraz, walked up hills that seemed to last forever, discovered where "hella" originated and ate food like I was a poster-child for America's obesity epidemic. But there was one thing that stood out above all, that you can't get on a tour (well maybe you could, but that's not the point)-- I got hit on by an ASIAN boy.

STOP THE MOTHER F'IN PRESSES!

"An Asian you say Erica?" Yes, my foaming with anticipation friends, an ASIAN. Let me back this up, I was not just hit on by ONE Asian, but there were A FEW looking my way.

My first reaction was to check and see if my dress was tucked into my panties or maybe I had a "kick me" sign on my back. Nope, nothing. They were just looking at me. Erica with the "birthin-hips" and the hair that can't get big enough. Erica with the bright orange fingernails and turquoise rings. Erica with the ridiculous amount of bangles. They were looking at me! Erica, never-gets-hit-on-by-Asians, Erica!

Not interested, but noteworthy just the same.

Point is, Erica still got it.

The Top 10 of My 1st Blind Date

10) It lasted 50 minutes bc he wanted to watch Game 1 of the finals.
9) He asked me to go out 'drinking and dancing' within five minutes of sitting down.
8) He glanced down at my chest throughout the expressdate like an 8th grader.
7) When the waitress asked if we wanted Apps, I said, "Ooh do you like egg rolls or chicken wings?" He shook his head briskly. (Clearly he wanted to save a few bucks.)
6) He checked his watch and texted between bites.
5) After pressuring me to say, "How are you" in my language, he said, "Ah (lick of lips), Sexy."
4) The food sucked.
3) "Indians are so smart, why do you just do hair?"
2) When the check came, I offered to pay. His response? "No...it isn't too much. I can do it."
1) He laughed like the Candleabra in Beauty and the Beast (throaty French HO HO HOOOO).

Signing Off,
Anu